Confessions & Updates

Update

Well, before I get to confessions here is an update on my little man.  We are still going to therapy 2 times a week in Hattiesburg and he is doing great with the 1.5 hour car rides... there are days that are better than others but he is doing much better than he was a few months ago.  He is constantly changing, he is listening really well, he will point to things that he wants to share with you.  For example, if he is playing angry birds and he knocks all the pigs down he will point to it and begin "talking" (now, when i say talking its more of "ah eh uh uh eh ah" but I am positive he is telling us something and we just don't speak his language and he is so desperately trying to speak ours).  Also we are all out at the slip n slide this past weekend and instead of running off and wanting me to chase him he stood by the puddle of water at the end of the slide, pointed to it and started "talking" so I said "yes you can play in the water" and he jumped right in.  Then he looked at me, pointed to the driveway and started "talking" and I said "No, lets stay here" and he did?! So these are all great things! 

Potty training is still a learning process for all of us... but we are working on it.

Tripp is becoming more of an amazing little brother and still getting excited over little things Ty does.

Words are coming, slowly but surely he is getting more and more out that we understand. so things seem to be pretty great on our little hill :)

Confessions

Ok, so this might be a bit of a contradiction from my last post of "it's best to be vague" but I did say "sometimes" :).  I'm pretty sure we all know that I am not perfect.  There are lots of days that I feel like my "all" is not good enough for my boys (all 3 of them). There are days that I wonder why Ty was given this challenge? There are lots of days that I still think it's not fair. There are days that I think Tripp is getting the short end of the stick. There are still days that I get mad. Some days I cry. There are days that I pray constantly... and there are some days that I don't pray at all.  There are days that I am on task and ready for whatever comes my way. There are those days that I feel like I'm backed into a corner with nothing but a shield blocking everything thrown my way.  There are some days I feel like supermom and other days that I feel like I am just a shell of a person going through the motions of life. 

Sam and I work multiple jobs and volunteer in our community & church. I am not telling you this as a pat on our back but just to let you know what we do with our time (just like any other family I am sure, again I am not saying we are any better than anyone else).  But because of our lifestyle we rely on each other, our parents & an occasional babysitter to watch our boys when we have after hours activities, jobs, etc.  And during the week our boys attend a daycare/preschool.  There are times when I take a day or two to spend with my friends and have a girls night (usually I am gone less than 24 hours but rarely over 48 hours ... we love our kids and don't like to stay away to long). There are times that I send Sam on a fishing trip. And times that Sam & I just need a night out or in with just the two of us (usually its me asking more than sam lol). I do have 3 tattoos (the trinity on my back just below my neck, stick people on my right foot, and the most recent puzzle pieces with scripture ref on my left foot) all located in places that can easily be hidden or shown depending on how i feel :).


So to some people I am disrespectful (bc of the tattoos) and a bad parent bc I can't be home 24/7. It's crazy how the people you respect the most are the ones that criticize you the most... no worries right! We still have lots of family and friends that love and support us and I am grateful for every single one of you! 


James 1:2-4 "... consider it pure joy my brothers when you face trials of many kinds ..."


"pure joy" this is me confessing that I am still working on that


No I am not perfect but neither is anyone else ... and I know everyone out there has something they are dealing with that just seems like no matter what you do you can't change the minds of those that don't understand. Sometimes it's just best to get up and brush that dust off and keep moving... 
I'm not looking for pitty or an "atta girl" I guess I just want people to know that no matter what life throws your way Jesus gives you the strength to get through it... and it's ok to be transparent, right?

sometimes it's best to be vague

I received an email from a friend of mine entitled "free stress seminar" ... have I mentioned that I love clever emails and sayings? Well I do!
OK so the email starts off telling a story of a lady teaching a stress seminar and she is holding a glass of water and everyone in the audience is waiting for her to ask the question "is the glass half empty or full?!" and she throws the curve ball asking "How much does this glass weigh"? And then goes on to explain that no matter the weight; if you hold that same glass of water all day you will eventually get an ache and the longer you hold it the more the pain/ache will increase until you can't bare to hold that small glass of water.  So the moral of the story is to put the glass down, rest. Don't carry all your burdens all of the time. That is what the bible says right?! *slap* (in my face)

Then the email lists lots of clever sayings and the one that stuck out to me the most was:

"If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague" I LOVE THIS!

I definitely think in my world it is best to be vague most of the time! It's not that I can't be kind, it's just that there are so many times that I begin to talk to people and realize halfway through the conversation that I have just spilled my guts without knowing it about life/autism... and I can see in their eyes that they either have no idea what I'm talking about or they would have rather I just said "we are good thanks for asking". You are probably thinking that I have just contradicted myself with the whole "share your burdens" and "be vague" motto's. But I think they can go hand in hand. I have some pretty amazing friends that I will share details of my life with ... but for the most part I think the rest of the world wants me to be vague.

life lessons and awareness

Well, it has been almost a year since I started this blogging journey and I have learned a lot!
1. I never really knew that I had so much to say...and that so many would be willing to keep up with us
2. I can't fix everything, and usually the un-fixable things are my biggest life lessons
3. There's not a parenting book on the market or a blog on the web that can tell us how to raise our boys, only prayers and Scripture will truly show us the way.
4. Everyone has challenges in their lives, its how we react to them that will inspire, encourage, discourage or create regrets...and these are daily choices. The small things will lead to big things,but our attitude will determine the outcome of each situation.
5. A girls night out heals the soul! I absolutely love each and every one of you! :) (you know who you are haha)

Light it up Blue!
This month is autism awareness, and I don't really know what to do with that. I encouraged everyone to wear blue on the 2nd. And I can't tell you how awesome it is when I see someone in a Ty t-shirt or for someone to post that they wore blue in honor of my little guy! But I feel like I should do more and at the same time I feel like I shouldn't do anything at all. Warning: you're about to get deep into my thoughts here! Yes I think awareness is a great thing, and that there are so many people that need to learn about autism and how to teach their child to function in this difficult world and how to be compassionate of others. But the other part of me says, how selfish am I to want people to stop what they're doing and focus on my world, because honestly that's what we're doing, right? The more I think about autism and the awareness that goes with it, the more selfish I feel.... I love that we have such an amazing support group in our church, family, and friends but how can I ask everyone to ignore their life and look at mine, and not even mine but Ty's. The deeper we get into autism the more I find autism in everyone I meet. Everyone has some sensory issue, quirk or OCD issue that makes them unique but the difference is most people can control it in public so that they will be socially accepted. It's those people that can't that become socially awkward or labeled with autism. No I'm not a DR and I am not trying to discount anyone with a serious condition or lesson awareness on autism. But I just know for myself if I can experience something then I can understand it and maybe if we all look at ourselves then we will begin to understand autism a little bit better? Just think of that one thing that drives you absolutely nuts for example nails on a chalk board, a fork scraping a plate, high pitched buzzing, counting to a certain number before you are satisfied, rearranging a room/cabinet/counter, a routine in the morning, etc.
Then multiply the anxiety/determination/annoyance by 100 and I think we will begin to understand why anyone affected by autism has a hard time focusing. If you're morning routine is messed up it might throw you off that morning but you can jump back on track. The nails on a chalk board makes us squirm but we don't cover our ears and shake our heads. However, if it was 100 nails on a chalkboard I'm sure we all would do just that.
I don't really know where I was going with this, just my thoughts on awareness month :)

Ok on to my boys:

• Ty is learning to use the potty thanks to the iPad and our friend Maria!
• He is becoming very vocal, lots of words that start with B,V,F & M's - which can be hard to determine at times but I'm glad he's trying!
• He is understanding what we say more and more - for example, he absolutely loves angry birds. He came up to me outside while Carla and I were getting ready to take pictures and asked me for "bir" aka "birds"(angry birds) I said "No, Ty we are going to play outside right now" so he slowly lays down on the ground and whimpers, and then peaks out of one eye to see if I'm watching. Then he gets up and asks again "bir, bir" and again I say "no lets play outside" and he slowly lays down on his back whimpering and peaking out of the corner of his eye to see if we are watching. ( side note: When he does this we are suppose to ignore him so that he doesn't learn that screaming and throwing fits gets him what he wants) And Carla said "he really knows what your saying". I love when other people recognize his greatness! :) not that I don't know that he is awesome but there are times that I think maybe I am imagining this or that ... so it's good to have someone that doesn't see him often still recognize what we see daily ... if that makes any since?
• Tripp is still a daddy's boy and an amazing little bro to Ty - sometimes he thinks he is an adult but all in all he is pretty awesome little kid :)

Well I think I have rambled on enough! thank you so much for reading and loving on my boys! lets light it up blue!!! :)

Grace

So I really don't even know where to start with this post... So much has happened and I've wanted to write but just never really found the time... So I will do my best to make it all fit without being to terribly long ;)

My amazing church family...
Have I told you that we have the most amazing church family?! Well we do! If there was ever a picture of God's grace, goodness, generosity, love, compassion, mercy, and faithfulness I would say it could be wrapped up in a photo of our church family.
Every year on super bowl Sunday our church does a fundraiser for a cause (youth&children ministry, outreach stuff, etc) and we call it Souper Sunday (bc everyone brings soups). Well this year our preacher called and asked if we would let them do super Sunday for Ty. All I could do was cry and then try not to cry and I did my best to answer but I honestly did not know what to say? Sam handled the phone call better than I did and his answer is exactly what I was feeling but couldn't express. He said "I wish I could say no"... It's not that we don't want people to support our little guy, (and I'm really struggling to find words to express what I mean here, so bare with me) I guess it's just hard to receive a gift given so freely, I felt like we didnt deserve it...

Leading up to that Sunday is all a blur to me... So many people wanted tshirts and everyone had them on Sunday morning for church. I was excited and nervous all at the same time, I can be an emotional roller coaster on any given day but especially on that day. I walked into choir practice that morning to a sea of blue shirts. I did my best to not break down into tears right there ... I know they are just tshirts but it showed me so much more. It showed me the love and support that we have always had around us, I could literally feel the love in the room without a word being spoken. The children's story that morning was about Fanny Crosby, she was blind, but didn't let that stop her. She lead a full life and wrote lots of famous hymns, played the piano, guitar and other instriments and even lobbied to congress for better schooling for the blind and most of all she had a strong faith in God. Bro Joel emphasized the verse on Ty's shirts "... but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him ~ john 9:3" and that's when I realized that there are so many others out there that God has allowed a challenge or should I say an advantage to be different.  To be able to focus on this world not just in sight but in blindness, not in the spoken word but in body language, to be able to yell if you want to and that be ok bc that's how you express yourself. I've read alot of articles and blogs and so many of them say that parents of children with any disability will go through a "mourning process" and I just don't think that's right. God has given me my little boy and if the world thinks I should mourn over that then they are wrong. He might not be able to speak and tell me exactly whats going on and yes there are days that I yearn for that. But why would I mourn the life that he has been given? Why would I doubt the love and compassion that he will be able to feel and share in a way that I can't. Yes there are lots of days that I wish Ty could talk and do all the things that his little brother can do but that doesn't mean that we have lost anything. We have gained an amazing child that is teaching us how to love and see through the eyes of Jesus.

I prayed many days and nights when I was pregnant with Ty for a healthy baby. I prayed for every organ to function properly and for him to be given a desire and passion for Jesus like no one else... and the more I watch Ty grow, the more I see God answering those prayers. Because Ty will love unconditionally and probably won't hold any grudges, he recovers from a fit and jumps right back up in your lap without any pouting... after his screams are done - he is fine and he is extremely happy ... theres no looking back and reflecting on "remember when..." Do we have our challenging days YES... but who doesn't?

So once the service was over, we all gathered in the fellowship hall for a meal that could feed an army! It was amazing and Ty sat in his high chair and ate like a big boy (which he doesn't always do... there have been a few wednesday night suppers at church that I have been covered in whatever we were attempting to feed him) but not souper sunday - I guess he knew that day was all about him?! After everyone ate Bro Joel presented us with a love offereing from our church that blew us away! I cried, Sam about fell out of his chair (literally) and Ty clapped. Once everyone stopped clapping, Ty started clapping and cheering again and again and everyone fell in with him! Sometimes I think he knows alot more than we give him credit for! We are extremely blessed and honored to be a part of such an amazing church! The love, compassion and grace that flows from this group of people is mind blowing! I don't think they will ever know how truly greatful we are to be able to worship and serve with them on a regular basis! God is good, all the time! I feel like these words cannot even begin to show you how amazing and great our God is and how faithful and true He has been to us! Thank you for reading and thank you for loving us and our boys!

here is a pic of part of our extraordinary church family!

i may not have super powers but...

There are so many days that I wish I had super powers, so many times when I think "if I could just read his mind, or use some kind of supernatural vision or touch to find out what is going on in his head or what could be hurting in his little body". Because he has a hard time communicating, he can't tell me that something hurts or that he doesn't feel good or what exactly ticked him off or scared him enough to scream relentlessly in the car... and that's when I wish I had some super hero device or super power that could reveal the problem.  Something to just pop up like a warning sign "WARNING: you just made your kid mad by ....." I know you probably think I'm crazy right now or just spending way to much time out in left field but these are the thoughts that cross my mind ...
My younger son Tripp has been in and out of the dr and we discovered he has some form of bronchitis that he cant shake and is now using at home breathing treatments to finally knock out this illness. After all the dr apts with Tripp and finally finding something that works we settled in at home and heard Ty making a high pitched wheeze randomly, normally we would have just ignored it and thought that he was just mimicking some new sounds that he heard ... but because of all that Tripp has been through we thought maybe he needed a trip to the dr. His only other sign of being sick is a runny nose, no fever or any breathing problems, but since he cant tell us if he's ok or not we thought he should go ahead and take him to the local walk in clinic.
I could write an entire book on what happens when we go to the dr but I will spare you the waiting room details this time :) We found out that his lungs are fine but that he did have a pretty bad ear infection and that he needed to be on an antibiotic... So thank you Jesus for showing us something that made us take him in. We visit this clinic often and have pretty much determined that they will be our kids primary physicians since they return phone calls in a timely manner and actually check up on your kids when they are having some serious issues. But all that to say our favorite nurse was on duty and she is amazing! She is so sweet and accommodating to the boys and when I was checking out (it was just me and Ty, Sam was home with Tripp) she walked Ty around the clinic bc there was a line and she could tell I was having quite a time keeping ahold of him and all the stuff I was carrying out (diaper bag, jackets digging for my purse, etc) ...  I kept an eye and ear in his direction but there was really no need, she walked him through the nurses station talking to him the entire time and made the loop through the hall which was just enough time for me to check out and grab him up for an exit.  I thanked her as she helped me put his jacket and hat on while walking out the door and I thought to myself "that was awesome".  I am a very hard headed person and most people that know me would attest to that, and because of my hard headedness (if that's a word) I typically don't ask for help and alot of times will just brush it off and say "thank you but we're good" when it is offered. Not because I think I'm to good for that but because I like to have control of our little world and I don't like to burden others.  Now I'm not saying that I have never asked for help because that would be an outright lie ... but in the little things of life and even in babysitting I feel guilty. These are our kids and we should be able to take care of them. We are very fortunate that both of our parents have been willing to keep our kids for a random date night, and even a girls night for me here or there which is very good for the soul... they have also helped us with therapy schedules, picking up or dropping off kids at daycare/therapy and even taking Ty to USM which is an all day adventure, and much more.  So to ask for help in something as simple as packing up to leave a dr's office seems silly to me and I never really thought much of it. The impact of her simple gesture of just walking with Ty while I checked out has amazed me ... I didn't think it would stay with me for so long but it did and that's made me think. Maybe I need to do little things more often for others. Maybe I need to help someone put their groceries in their car or make silly faces at their kid while we are in line at walmart to stop the screaming? Maybe I just need to tell them that it's ok and I know where their coming from? Maybe I need to stop thinking about myself and start looking towards others. It's so easy for me to get caught up in what we are doing with Ty that I miss what's going on around us. I get so focused in on making sure I have everything in line for him wherever we go, escape routes(because if I don't see them he will) or funny comments to break the ice and let someone know that it's ok to talk about autism, it's ok to talk about what we do for him, or why he can't do certain things, or even offer suggestions on what might work better for him/us. I love to talk about my kids and I will gladly talk with anyone about my boys and Ty's treatments, diagnosis, therapy or silly habits but I don't know how to offer it... and honestly I don't want to offer it up for conversation and be turned down.  But I do want others to know that I still care about them too and I don't want people to feel like our conversation will always turn to me and then Ty... so if i'm talking to much about autism/treatments/schools just tell me ... I can take it :)

So i may not have super powers but i sure wish i could pick just one!

thanks for reading! hope it all makes since!

the joy of Christmas!

Christmas is by far the best time of the year. I love all of the smells, foods, lights, and most of all friends and family. My favorite thing to do is give gifts, and I absolutely love to find something that I know someone would like and then give it to them. Not because I want recognition or to be thanked but because I simply enjoy the look on their face - the smile or laugh that comes with it and the hugs or conversations that will come after that.
Last year Ty was not much into the gift opening part of Christmas and I had a feeling that he would love all of the paper tearing and toys this year! Well I was partly right, he did really well once we got something out of the box and he could play with it but he wasn't real big on sitting and opening a gift, he did play with the paper and try to eat it after everyone else opened their presents. So to each their own :)
Every gift Ty received for Christmas was perfectly suited to him, everyone was so thoughtful in finding something that he would like even if it was a toy that might not be "age appropriate" in others eyes, it was perfect for my little Ty. I have the best family and friends in the world!
Christmas is also a very busy time of year with lots of traveling for us. And traveling with my boys is not always easy. Sam was working Christmas Eve so we went to my dad's Friday night had Christmas with them and then Sam left for work the next morning and that afternoon we went to visit my cousins and then on to mamaw's for a meal that could feed half the roman army (that's my brothers words). I always feel like we stay long enough to eat, open gifts and then leave and I really wish we could stay longer. But the hour and a half ride home was waiting so we packed up shortly after dirty Santa and started home. I made it half way home when Ty woke up screaming. Needless to say we stopped to see Sam at the fire house to keep my sanity and then drove home around 9:30 or 10.
Being that Christmas day was on Sunday we went to Church that morning. We were asked to read and light a candle as a family during the service and I wanted Ty to participate so we kept him in church for the first time. Ty absolutely loved the singing and would get so excited every time we stood to sing. Once the music stopped and the preacher or music minister would speak/pray Ty would start to make some noise, not a scream but just his version of talking. I assume he was talking to God in his own way :) I would try to quit him some but part of me just wanted to let him say whatever it is he needed to say ... from the mouth of babes right!?
During the childrens story part of church we sang happy birthday Jesus and the kids showed a new toy to the congregation. So after the song was over Ty was so excited and started clapping, have I mentioned that he loves a crowd and he loves for people to clap ... typically he loves for people to clap for HIM, but clapping is a favorite activity no matter who it is for! So once everyone stopped clapping Ty kept going, he stood front and center in front of the pulpit and just kept clapping with a smile bigger than the state of Texas, his teeth shinning, his eyes squinting and slightly bouncing with excitement. He could have stood there all day I am sure but I swooped him up and took him to the nursery. So that's when I stop to think. Shouldn't we all do that. Shouldn't we all stop and just praise the Lord. I don't know for sure if that is what he was doing, but I like to think that God used him to open my eyes and say "this is how you do it". No worries just pure joy and excitement!

here are a few pics from Christmas ... Ty loved the lights :)

thanks for reading! hope yall enjoy! Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

it's christmas!

Well I can't believe that another year has passed so quickly!? A friend of mine tells me that the days get longer and years get shorter as our kids grow up; and that is so true!
It is less than a week before christmas and I have one more present to buy but I have not put up my christmas tree??? Yes I know that I need to do it; but I just haven't made the time to make it happen?! Who knows maybe I will do it today :). ok on to the good stuff...
Ty has been doing really well! The Children's Center sent home his AAC device (it's a device that speaks for him when he touches the icons of what he wants, for example "want" "need" "cookie" "more" "drink" "ball" etc). I thought it would be simple to use at home, but I keep forgetting that we have it? He does really well with this device and will even put together 3 word phrases like "want more cookie" and he just gets so excited when we give him the cookie. It's like he knows that we finally have a way for him to communicate those words that he might not be able to sign or say, and sometimes the words that he knows how to say and sign but at times he just can't get them out. Now there are times when he just won't say them and he will give you this adorable look as if to say "isnt this enough" but you have to fight past wanting to give in and make him talk. No, it's not easy but if you give in once then he knows that there's another option - and we would much rather pull those words out of him then to let him slip by with an adorable smile. right?! - thats what I keep telling myself...
so on to my little Tripp for a minute..
Tripp was in our kids Christmas program at church and stole the show! haha we all have to say that right? But really he did a great job, he knew the motions and words to almost all of the songs and only almost fell off the stage once :) so that was great for him! Because the last time they sang in church he stood up closed his eyes and then put his hands over his face?! so we have come a long way! Now all during the last few months of practicing these songs I wanted so badly to give Ty a chance to sing in the program, I know he likes music and he loves to dance (rock from one foot to the other and wiggle, its super cute) and he is not afraid of crowds at all. But I didnt want him to be a distraction to the other kids or to run up and down the isles laughing and jumping until he reaches the back door so he can open and close it. Now I am not saying that there werent kids on stage that were distractions, Tripp was one of them. But I have my reasons for waiting... they seem trivial now that I look back on it all but I guess I am just a bit more protective of Ty when it comes to stuff like that? I am not embarrassed or ashamed but I am quick to anger and until I am able to harness that I think it was best for me to let him sit this one out. Not that anyone would have said or done anything to my little man at church but I guess there is just always that "what if" in my mind... and it takes me a little longer to let go and let him do what other kids his age are doing. So maybe next year? ...That will be my plan..
When we got home we replayed the video from the program and Ty ran and jumped in my lap so he could see the computer screen and started shaking his shoulders and humming and then he would jump down and do his little happy dance and then repeat the cycle... it was awesome! and thats what made me think - maybe he was ready and I just need to not worry...

Ty has been doing some major oral sensory seeking over the last few weeks and I couldnt quite put my finger on why - but we have been without the pabby for a while and thats got to be why he is seeking so much! I've been trying to replace it with a vibrating mouth toy and so far that has worked but I am hoping that we will be able completely replace his shirt chewing with this toy?! we will see :)

Ty's Tshirts have taken off! and I cant thank you all enough for your love and support! you are all angels in our eyes!!

quotes:
I read a few quotes that I thought I would share

"I know of nobody who is purely autistic, or purely neurotypical. Even God has some autistic moments, which is why the planets spin.”
— Jerry Newport

“Autistics are the ultimate square pegs, and the problem with pounding a square peg into a round hole is not that the hammering is hard work. It’s that you’re destroying the peg.”
— Paul Collins

“This is what we know, when you tell us of your fondest hopes and dreams for us: that your greatest wish is that one day we will cease to be, and strangers you can love will move in behind our faces.”

-Jim Sinclair, “Don’t Mourn For Us”

these speak volumes! sometimes we just need to step back and think ... am I helping or hurting? Is this just a difference of opinion or is this something that will help him function? My desires are not that Ty will be normal but that he will be able to be the best at whatever it is he wants to be... communication is the key right now... and we just want to provide him with everything he needs to do that.

i know this was a pretty random post ... but i had different things that i wanted to share ... so i hope you all enjoy! thanks for reading!