Hello teenage years...insert let's get ready to rumble theme song now...

 Hey everybody! Yes I know, it's been quite a while since I've blogged, life has been a bit crazy and insane per usual but what could we expect from 2020 and the madness that has ensued right? So a quick update, I bought a house and got out of the apartment life finally! (Whoop whoop). Our neighborhood is full of dogs, so Ty is like a kid in a candy store anytime we walk outside. (I'll come back to this in a minute). The boys played their final season of rec football together and man was it amazing. Tripp has really grown and absolutely loves the game and his teammates who have become amazing friends. Ty got to run a touchdown in each game this year and I cried every single time. His teammates were so precious and I have never seen a group of young boys so excited for another kid. The joy and excitement every single time it was time for him to run his touchdown was so pure and sweet, it filled my soul with absolute joy. They never got tired of running with him and even when he tried to run the wrong way and if he fell down in the process, they stopped helped him up and then celebrated each time as if it was the first and only time! I will never forget it. I have pictures and videos of my boys running side by side into the endzone that I never knew I would have and that is priceless. Those coaches, parents and kids will always be family to me. 

School is going great, the teachers and students always go above and beyond. Due to covid things have changed quite a bit and they haven't been able to do Project Outreach but I am hoping that will change soon because that is such a wonderful program that is so good for all of the students involved. For those that don't know what Project Outreach is, it's a program where the "typical" students sign up and come help the kids in the self-contained classroom with projects, homework, etc or they just come hang out, have events and learn how to interact with each other and be friends "different not less" is their motto. That's a very short version. So all that to say that I am hoping things will start to get back to normal very very soon! 

Ok, so back to Ty and the dogs. Lately, he has been on quite a wild hair. He just turned 13 and the only thing I can figure is that he has decided he can now rule the world and has no boss. Just like any teenager right? They know everything, don't need any help and nothing will ever happen to them. This also comes with attitude, eye rolls and moodiness. I've had my 30 day free trial to the teenage years and I'd like to skip on ahead now please. ha. Every time we walk outside Ty is on high alert for any animal in the neighborhood, cat, dog, squirrel, etc - it really doesn't matter just anything. He searches and stands looking for them like an old country boy spotting a deer, he can spot a cat behind a bush 6 houses down and then immediately head in that direction with a very mischievous grin and giggle that is adorable and a little concerning all at the same time. He gets tunnel vision and does not care what is around him. Well when we are inside, he has started to run to the windows and doors and pull back curtains to peak out the windows, etc. just searching for a glimpse of a dog or cat. So last Sunday, he woke up, put on his shoes(he never does this) and started walking around the house. I stayed in bed and just waited to see what he'd do because I knew he thought I was asleep. So he walked by my door about 4 times, he kind of creeps by, peaks in, then sneaks to his room and back and forth a few times then walks to the front door, unlocks it and walks out. I immediately got up and grabbed him and disciplined him and then told him how unsafe that was and that he couldn't do that yadda yadda. He looked at me as if I was speaking another language and then closed his eyes and bobbed his head side to side with lots of attitude as he mumbled something back. I am fairly certain he was cussing me and pleading his case lol but I will never know. I'll be sure to video it one day and show you all. So then I continue to get him dressed and ready for church and while I am getting myself ready, Tripp comes in and says mom, Ty is in the backyard on the swing?! So same thing happens, we run through the same chat, discipline etc and then head to church. I was a bit panicked because of the seriousness of it all. I do try and attach humor to everything because honestly if you don't laugh then you will just crawl in a corner and cry all day. So I laugh, right? I run through every scenario in my head of what I need to do to lock down my house tighter than Fort Knox. Thankfully, I grew up in the 80s and 90s and have lots of hands on knowledge on how to set booby traps(thank you goonies and my brothers) and we head off to Lowes to get locks, cameras and everything needed to lock down the house. I put up the cameras and locks on the doors, I have also put a camera in his room that will go off at night if he gets up. I have debated setting trip wires, bubble wrap on the floor, maybe even an air horn but then it may just become a game right? So for now just the cameras, extra locks and door chimes. If you come over and hear alexa announce your entrance, along with the confetti canon that alerts the rest of the house, well you can thank Ty for that. But in all seriousness we are good. This is just the life we are given and it often makes me think of how God must see us. I mean He provides everything we need and gives us, guidance and direction and what do we do with it? We want what we don't need, we wonder off and do things outside of His will, put our lives in danger all because we are like a child who wanted to cross the street and chase a squirrel or go see the dog. I mean who knows, that dog may be mean and try to bite us?! He knows that but all that kid sees is "but I want it right now, it's so FLUFFY". So when God puts you on lock down, allows things to happen to you that you think 'this is the end of the world'. Maybe, just maybe you need to stop and say what am I doing? Maybe He is trying to teach me something? Just a thought. Or maybe it's just me? ha. 

Anyway, I have rambled on enough. Thanks for reading and feel free to leave a comment or smart remark :) And if this is my parents, everything is ok and no need to panic, Promise. 

the 12th man and a prayer

The 12th man

Football is a complicated sport. There are lots of rules. It takes guts, grit and determination to pursue a spot on a team and dedication to keep it. There are risks and rewards that are seen on and off of the field. Football is physically demanding and you are almost guaranteed to be in physical pain at some point and you're almost always just one hit away from a serious injury.  So what good could come from a sport that almost certainly guarantees you harm at some point in time?  That's a really good question. Being a part of a team (no matter the sport/club/etc) is full of life lessons.  Contact sports create such a strong camaraderie that it is almost like being in battle together. The friendships and bonds formed while practicing, running, hitting, planning, sweating, and executing everything you learned all week in one night, is like no other. As a fan it's easy to just watch the game and cheer and share in the joy of the wins or the disappointment of the losses. As a mom, it's a whole new ballgame. Tripp has taken to football and loves it, he is all in and wants to be in on ALL the action. He is still learning the game and still learning how to hit and be hit and run and not be run down but the joy he has for the game warms my heart. The fear of him being hit too hard or trash talked on the line is new for me, but I am learning to just be there and not step in... I am learning to just encourage and not over step my lines... learning. I'll leave that there for now. Ty also loves him some football. He loves to watch the game and gets excited when he sees them tackle each other, so much so that last year we signed him up to play with Tripp. I didn't know how it would look or how or what all he would do but we gave it a shot. Getting used to the pads and helmet took some time but by the end of the season he loved to be chased down and tackled by his teammates and absolutely loved being out there on game day. Fast forward to this year and we are out there again. He is at practice and even though he doesn't always do exactly what the others are doing, he is welcomed there. He is doing more this year than he did last year.  His teammates know his name and they find ways to communicate with him and they always want him to participate. His coaches encourage him to run the drills, in his own way and his own pace. (The way he does everything). They are so patient with him and there is something awesome about seeing others require more of him. He's not just on the sidelines or a burden. He's part of their team. Last year Ty got in , a game as a safety on defense and his coach helped him stay in the right position and run a set of downs. This year his coaches told me they wanted to try and get him in each game, however that looks (I told them that was fine with me, and no matter what he is just happy to be here). Ty doesn't run to the action or run to tackle the opponents. We are working on it. He loves to be chased and is learning to catch the ball and we are teaching him to chase the man with the ball but we haven't gotten all of that worked out just yet and I'm perfectly ok with it. In practice his teammates will chase him down and tackle him and he thinks it's hilarious, he gets up and wants to do it over and over again. He likes to do the running drills, but especially loves the one where someone is trying to run him down. He loves to tackle the dummies in slow motion and at times I have to redirect him from playing with the orange cones or sitting down because he doesn't want to watch and run the same play over and over. He wants the action. But that's part of football. Putting in the work. Doing the things that you don't want to do but that you need to do. And I'm glad that he has other adult, men, who require that of him. Last Tuesday Ty was the 12th man. In football you are only allowed 11 players on the field at a time or else it's a penalty. However, his coach arranged with the other team and umpires for him to get in and run a set of downs as an extra safety and it was awesome. There wasn't some big play and we had to make him give up his football on the sidelines to go out on the field and have the coach help him stay in position. But he did it. I could see the joy on his face and the pride after the game and that was enough for me. Will he continue to play football as he gets older? I don't know. Tripp is already planning his college around it! (I'm not sure how I feel about that yet). I also saw something in Tripp when Ty was on the field that I didn't realize until later, he played harder, when Ty was out there as the 12th man. When he got in the truck after the game, he said that coach ran to the line and told the coaches "we have an extra man, ok?" and Tripp said "I was thinking, are you gonna tell them not to hit him?" I laughed, because I understand the feeling but also the freedom that Ty has in those moments. He's just like everyone else, to be hit or not, to yell and jump and be wild on the field or not. The choice is his. Maybe they will both continue to play together and maybe they won't. But for now football has brought my boys together on the field with their peers and an acceptance in this community that I haven't seen anywhere else. Ty isn't a joke or a burden, he is wanted out there. Tripp isn't embarrassed by him, he encourages him and is proud for him too. So for now he's our 12th man, without penalty.

A simple prayer

Last Friday I got a message from Ty's teacher about something he did in class. They had a student in a fender bender and she asked if someone wanted to lead them in prayer. Ty stood up both hands raised and walked to the front of the class and folded his hands and started to pray (in his "words"). At the end of his prayer, she said he spoke a clear "amen". And they were all in tears. Our youth pastor is also at the middle school and he said they all came to him in tears telling him what happened and how shocked they were by him. He is always full of surprises. The last few weeks he has given me a run for my money, he's extremely stubborn and full of preteen attitude. Yes eye rolls and head nods and all. He may be "non-verbal" but he definitely has lots to say and lots of ways to say it. We had lots of come to Jesus meetings between the two of us and lots of "change your attitude" talks. I can't remember how many times I told him he needed to pray and get his head straight. And then I would immediately wonder if he did or if he hears what I am saying and does he understand me? But Friday, when I got that message, I knew he heard me. No he hasn't really changed his preteen attitude but he is listening. It was like God smacked me in the face and said, see. Who does he remind you of? I have prayed and prayed for my boys and I have prayed for them to have the tools they needed to survive in this crazy world and for them to have a passion for Christ above all else and to be used by Him. I hope and pray that his stubbornness will blossom into a love for Jesus that can't be shaken. Until then, I will sit back and attempt to keep my sanity, haha. The verse John 9:3 "but this happened so that the works of God may be displayed in him..." has never spoken more clearly to me as it did last Friday.

ramblings and iep meetings

There are a lot of things I need to be doing right now. I have an essay and a paper to write but I keep racking my brain and decided maybe if I blog it'll help me process it all. It's my therapy. So yesterday I had a couple of meetings at the school. One was about Ty's toileting habits, they are still a work in progress. The other was about his eligibility for services at school. Let me start by telling you how amazing this team of teachers and therapists are - they really are phenomenal. The dedication, determination and ability they have to read their students blows me away. As I sat and listened to them talk about Ty and how they wanted to make sure we were all on the same page so that Ty is pushed and challenged and expected to do the same things everywhere; my mind kept running. I rack my brain daily on what to do for him. After the meetings were over, I went home and cried. Not because they did anything wrong because they didn't. They are doing everything right, to a T! I broke because it's overwhelming. There's so much to process and so much that needs to be done and so much of it seems like I should have had it done yesterday, last week, last month, last year, etc. As a parent none of us ever feel like we are doing any of it right so I don't expect to have all the answers. But oh what I would give to have the answers. What I would give for just a day inside Ty's head. Heck I'd take an hour if I could get it. There's so much I want to know. So when I come out of those meetings and everything I already know is shown on paper and discussed the only thing left for me to do is break. I am sure I already appear to be hanging by a thread on a 'normal' day ha!(what's normal right?) I can't imagine what I look like on a day like yesterday?! Those meetings are just exhausting, I don't know how those teachers and therapists do it?! They have to have those meetings for all their students?! They really blow me away.

So one of the things I need to find is a toy or a prize for Ty. It needs to be enticing to him. The best thing ever! A strength and weakness of Ty is that - at times he just doesn't care. If he's in trouble and isn't allowed to have his "favorite" things, oh well, that's not his favorite thing anymore. I remember when he was little, I use to always say that he didn't have that "one" thing that he fixated on. Most kids with autism have something that becomes their "thing", cars, trains, dinosaurs, piano, drums, etc. But Ty was always content with just about anything. He loved rocks, pictures, minions, balls, doors, plates, bowls, spoons, two of just about anything but there wasn't a "oh this is his thing". So finding a toy that can be a reward to entice Ty to comply with our requests is quite a challenge. If I'm honest, sitting here typing about it has got me a bit anxious - when I sit down to type a blog I never really know where it's gonna go. I start with an idea or things going on in my head. But once I start typing it all just kind of comes out. I delete most of it, ya'll would for sure send me away if all my thoughts made it here ha!

As I process all the information at these meetings, I go back and forth between, 'yeah I've got this and I can do that' to 'what in the world am I doing and why have I been trusted with something so important'. I know everyone has probably felt that way at some point and time in their life?! Right?! So I guess all of that to say, I think we have come a long way but we also have a long way to go.

update on life and super heroes

I really need to blog more... there is so much to tell yall! So a brief summary of the last 6 months. We moved! I have the same job, just different office. We live in an amazing school district for the boys. We have an awesome church family. We have new doctors, daycare, teachers and even made some new friends! The boys have transitioned really well into the new school. Ty challenged everyone for a while and I do mean REALLY challenged us all, but I think he is finally settling in.


He is really good at keeping his abilities a secret. Kind of like Clark Kent and Superman, Peter Parker and Spiderman, Bruce Wayne and Batman... you catch my drift! He never likes to show us what he can really do and every now and then you'll catch a glimpse of it. For example, I tried for months to get him to use his communication device to type his name. Look at your keyboard - the T and the Y are side by side. I couldn't have planned it better if I tried, his name is on any keyboard, in order, all he has to do is touch them. We went round and round, hand over hand, begging, bribing, pleading ... he just wouldn't do it. I started to wonder, "maybe he can't, maybe he's overwhelmed" self doubt poured in like an avalanche of emotions. Then one day as I was trying to get him to type "iPad" he looks me square in the face and types "TY" .... now fast forward, we are now working on sentences and most everything he says starts with "I want ....". It takes a lot of work to get him to communicate because he really does try his best to get what he wants with as little effort as possible. (typical 10 year old right?). So a lot of our conversations start off with him grunting and pointing and me pretending to not know what he wants and saying "use your talker Ty". I'm not gonna lie and say this was easy, because it wasn't - isn't. But it has shown me a whole new side of him. Last night we went out to eat and all during the meal we would ask him questions in an attempt to get him to use his talker to communicate. Do you like it? What are you drinking? etc ... It is typically met with some resistance but he did finally answer and answered quicker than before. So we are progressing. When we got in the truck he got really loud and wild acting (again typical 10 year old). He likes to mimic a dog barking when he gets really excited and he can get crazy loud with it - so as he is doing this his aunt B says " alright Ty we aren't doing that barking mess" Ty then types on his device "bet....bet.." I turn around and ask him "Ty did you just say 'bet' sarcastically??" He grins from ear to ear and nods his head. I couldn't help but laugh. We just sat at dinner attempting very basic conversation with him about what he is eating and drinking. I even did hand over hand to make him show us and then had him do it independently so that he would use his device. Then we get in our vehicle and without missing a beat he responds with sarcasm appropriately and quickly with a word that all the kids are using and that I don't even know how to find on his device?! So when I say he is kind of like a super hero that hides his abilities, this is why. Most comic books have the alter ego of the super hero to appear to be much weaker and appear to be the complete opposite of the hero hiding inside. There are times that the heroes abilities are accidentally revealed due to a dire situation and people are left in shock and wonder. They question themselves on what just happened look around and ask those around "did you just see that?". With Ty there are so many days and nights that I rack my brain and wonder, "am I pushing to hard, am I pushing enough, can he do it, is he just refusing, etc etc" and there are so many times that I say "did you see that?!" "did he just do what I think he did?!". Now I know being amazed by a 10 year old using sarcasm appropriately isn't exactly something all moms are proud of lol. But for me, it showed me that we are right. He does know, he is capable, he is funny, he is smart and apparently quick whited. And he can play just about anyone like a fiddle. He is currently surrounded by some amazing people, his teachers are phenomenal, we have friends and family who are pushing him to do his best and not just settle for the minimum and it makes a huge difference!


In my last post I talked about things I thought I'd miss out on - one of those was my boys playing sports together. Well Ty and Tripp have both been on the same football team this year! When I tell you that this community is amazing, it is an understatement. The people here are just awesome. They have taken us in and loved on us in so many ways, I don't think I could ever really explain what that means to me. Ty hasn't learned all the aspects of football and he doesn't play in every game. He is learning how to be a part of a team, how to listen to the coaches, how to follow instructions of someone other than just mom and teachers. He is learning team work and that no you don't get the ball every time ha! (ok, he is still working on that one). He did get on the field one night and I'm not gonna lie, I cried. I ran and hopped a fence so I could take pictures and videos and then I cried. He didn't do anything. He stood on the field. But that's not the point. It's baby steps and it's teaching him that if he wants to do something he can, he just has to practice and work for it. We have one more game and I really hate to see the season end. The boys have been so sweet. Tripp has really improved this year too. He is getting more aggressive on the field and he's gotten faster - he's still too big to be a running back (his dream spot) but he learned to love and embrace the job of 'center'. He gravitates to Ty on the sidelines and makes sure he gets his water and that he doesn't run on the field at the wrong time. Sometimes he acts like a grown man in a child's body when it comes to his brother. (which is good and bad - but that's a whole nother post for another day). So all that to say - I never thought I'd get to see my boys play sports together and they are. Another one of those times that God smacks you in the face and says ok Mandy I got this. James 1:6 tells us to believe and not doubt. How many times do we ask God for things, big or small and we don't really believe that He will do it. We just ask because that's what we are supposed to do. So I'm still learning, I will not pretend to get it all right, I mess up and fail on a daily basis. But I love those moments when He shows up and reminds me that He hears, He reminds me that not only did he hear my request, He answered it. No it wasn't my timing but it's not supposed to be.


I know I'm getting rather lengthy on this but I do have one more thing to update ya'll on. We have always wondered what else was going on with Ty. I know he has autism but there was just something else there and I couldn't put my finger on it. For years I asked doctors, therapists, teachers and no one could ever pin point what it was. Well his new teachers thought he showed signs of cerebral palsy. It all made sense as they explained it to me, I'm sure I probably looked like I was in a daze as they were talking because I was racking my brain to figure out how I missed this, how could I not see it before now? We made an apt with his new doc and sure enough she diagnosed him with CP. So what does that mean, well I'm not really sure, I'll have to get back to you on that. We will still continue what we are doing now, speech therapy, OT, behavior, etc. Just another day in the books :)


Well thanks for reading! I'm sorry it's been so long, I really will try and not take so long to blog. Ya'll have an awesome day! and if I start calling Ty 'Clark', you'll know it's not Griswold.

Pep talks....

So lately we have been having lots of pep talks. Every morning before school I sit with Ty as we wait for his bus and I tell him: Today I need you to have a good day, no throwing yourself on the floor, do your group work and individual work, use your device to communicate correctly-don't just push random buttons(bc he can use it correctly), listen to your teachers, stay in your seat on the bus, use the toilet not your pullup, don't wig out over doors... And the list goes on. During our pep talk Ty will shake his head yes and smile on most days. Sometimes he will look away or close his eyes and not want to "talk" about it and on the days when he is not nodding yes and he starts interrupting me and jabbering over me and closing his eyes, on those days I expect a note home on his defiance throughout the day. The days he is nodding yes I expect a good report. It doesn't always go that way, sometimes he switches things up on me and every day is a gamble. But today as I sat with him watching for his bus and having his pep talk I saw a video on Facebook. It was a mom talking about things she had hoped for with her nonverbal and severely autistic son. She said she came to a point where she realized things were not ok and not going to be ok. She came to a switching point of praying for quality of life for her son instead of hopes of him being a doctor or lawyer one day. My heart broke for her and still does. Tears were rolling down my face because she still has hope for her son but the reality of it all was that the things she wants to hope for are overshadowed by the things she has to hope for. I thought about Ty. There are so many things I hope for with him! I never thought that I'd be sitting and waiting for a bus discussing with my 10 year old about having a good day and that including: using the toilet, not getting distracted by doors, using a communication device to speak and completing his daily work (a lot of times work that is well below other kids his age, not because he isn't intelligent but because he hasn't shown them that he can do more), still talking to him about using a pencil to trace letters and hopefully one day write his name. I could go on all day with the things I never thought I'd still be teaching him and still hoping for. I expected to need to deal with things like no talking in class and focus on your study habits etc... things I tell Tripp every day.

I expected to put both my boys on the same bus and to hear them come home and fuss and talk and play together. I expected to over hear them talking about a girl they liked. I expected them to play sports together. I never expected Tripp to see his older brother as a little brother and someone he needs to help take care of. I never expected to have conversations with Tripp that involved him asking me if Ty would ever talk like we do. I never expected Tripp to come home and tell me that other kids ask him why his brother comes to school if he can't talk... And his response is priceless, he tells them just because he can't talk doesn't mean he can't learn. Don't get me wrong, I love that he has that perspective I just never thought it would be our life.

So we take one day at a time. I hope and pray that something will click. That he will thrive and show us all what's going on in that head of his. Until then I will continue to have pep talks, and I will continue to have hope for him to continue to grow and learn and I will hold onto our little victories. I'll hold onto the things I never thought we would have in our lives and I'll do my best to see the good in it all. To see how the challenges Ty and Tripp face each day will make them strong, compassionate, determined men one day. I'm sure I will fail and lose sight from time to time but I pray that I will be strong enough to see the good too, one pep talk at a time.

Defiance and a win

Ty has been extremely defiant lately. His main tactic is to close his eyes and fall asleep. It's one thing he has control over and he uses it to get out of just about anything he doesn't want to do. I had a hard time with this at first and I wondered if he was really struggling with staying awake or if he was just being defiant and making himself go to sleep. It took a while for me to figure out, but eventually I found out that as long as we are doing what he wanted to do he could stay up and be WIDE awake and even hyper. The minute something was required of him, a task at school or putting on shoes etc he would act as if he was incapable of doing what was asked and then slowly start to nod off. I started trying to do everything I could to keep him awake. Some days were more successful than others. Some days I didn't fight it as hard because, honestly it was exhausting. But once I realized that he was choosing this, choosing to be defiant I had to step back and be reminded "what would I do if Tripp did this?" The answer was easy ... so with that in mind the game changed. Did I mess up. Yes. Did I give up some days, yes. Did i fail at times, yes.
But today was a good day. Today something happened that showed me he really was just choosing to be defiant and make himself sleepy. Today verified any doubts i had in myself or his ability. I have talked and disciplined until I was blue in the face. I have prayed. I have wondered if anything is getting through. As he waited for the bus this morning we had another talk and I told him that he HAD to have a good day and that he HAD to stay awake. When I picked him up from daycare he was kind of hyper. I checked his notebook, like I do every day and his note said he had a great day! We got home and he did his homework without a fight! After talking to his teacher and her verifying that he HAD a great day, I talked to him and told him how proud I was of him and how this is how he needed to be everyday. He was smiling and some kind of proud of himself. So it's the small things. Big battles. Long battles. Tears and absolute crazy days that turn into insane weeks. But the small things add up. So today was a good day. Consistency is our biggest fight. I have to be consistent and so does everyone else because the smallest of things can make a huge difference when it comes to a very stubborn strong willed child.

I never thought we would be where we are today. When Ty was first diagnosed I remember reading books and blogs and anything I could find. Watching videos of kids like Ty and seeing how far they had come. I remember reading about how a mom never thought she would still be potty training her 8 year old. And I remember thinking, no he will be potty trained by then. He will be talking by then. He will be doing etc etc the list goes on. But here we are. Still learning our way in this crazy journey. Still learning to communicate and learning to dress himself and potty train and eat without a huge mess and keep our shoes on and brush our teeth independently and to not wonder off and not go limp on the floor when we don't get our way. A 9 year old going limp, even if he is only 58.6lbs, is not as easy to pick up or remove from a situation as a 2 year old. When they are 2 you just scoop them up and you have a clear physical advantage, not so much as a long lanky 9 year old. It also looks like you're kidnapping them when they scream and flop around and they are half your size lol like a joking skinny flopping octopus. Give it a try. Now we don't have to fight that as much anymore, it's rare for him to lay down and roll around challenging me to wrestle him out the door of whatever establishment we are in when he chooses he doesn't wanna go. But that's where that consistency comes in. And a wooden spoon. Lol.

The smallest of things can change the course in a good or bad direction. So after a week of battles I'll take a win. Even a small one and pray for another tomorrow. Here's to another good day and all the days it takes to get there.

failure...pure joy...

There are a lot of days that a lot of parents feel like failures... I know I'm not the only one. Lots of moms and dads on a regular basis don't feel like they measure up. You know those days when nothing goes right. You've been up all night for various reasons and then your child or children decide to lose their minds...yeah those days. For the life of you, you try to see the good, you try to keep your stuff together ... you end up doing and saying things you regret but at the same time you try hard to show them rules and structure and pray that all you do now will help them respect authority as adults so that when they grow up you aren't bailing them out of jail ... yeah I know that's extreme ... but really ... just go with me here....


Yesterday was one of those days. I won't even begin to describe the madness. Basically it boils down to disobedience, defiance, stubbornness and no matter what form of punishment that was given, to my non-verbal 9 year old, phased him at all. And I mean at all. Didn't matter what I did. He was right back at it. Time-out, spanking, talking, removing toys, changing his entire bedroom and our house for that matter (for his safety because he decided it was ok to jump off of the top bunk... he's never done this before). He could scream and stomp his feet in time out and then stop on a dime and smile and "talk" and get up as soon as I started moving some piece of furniture or had my back turned. He would just get up and do what he wanted and come show me that he was doing what he wanted. Over and over and over we did this. We went round and round all day and all night the night before. Exhausted doesn't even begin to describe how I felt and how I feel today. Failure... yeah that describes how I feel. How can we go from being on track and obeying and getting somewhere, to this? How can it all just be thrown out of the window in an instant? We didn't do anything out of the ordinary. But here we were 30+ hours of mass chaos... my 8 year old doing his best to help me move beds and furniture and then reorganize the house to be back in some type of order so we could function.  We got their bedrooms in order. The bunk beds are now in Tripp's room. Ty has a bed in his room that doesn't have any height to it and I'm debating on removing the dresser that's in there incase he gets some wild idea to climb on it in the middle of the night. Seriously?! What in the world!?


That's not the only thing that makes me feel like a failure. I fail because I don't remain calm. I fail because I don't always show them grace. I fail because I'm not able to understand what he is so desperately trying to tell me. I fail because his little brother is confused and worried and wants to help fix the problem and I don't know how to fix it myself so how in the world can I tell him how to fix it? I fail because of so many things. I could go on and on in a lot of other areas of life but I will stop here.


We went to church last night, missed the AM service for obvious reasons ... and guess what the sermon was on? James... yup book of James. If you don't know me, it's my favorite book of the Bible. In college I attempted to memorize the entire book. I only got to the first chapter. I can recite it word for word (just the first chapter) and it is my life book... chapter 1 verses 2-4 "consider it pure joy my brothers when you face trials of any kind for the testing of your faith develops perseverance and perseverance must finish it's work in you so that you are mature and complete not lacking anything" it goes on to say that we should ask God who gives generously to those who ask and not doubt because he who doubts is like a wave in the sea blown and tossed by the wind that man is a double minded man and unstable in all he does. (some of that may be paraphrased???).


During all of the madness that ensued Saturday night and Sunday morning I prayed .. I prayed and I prayed. It was still chaos. ( I won't even go fully into what those conversations looked like between me and God, did I doubt? am I double minded? give me something ) So that leads me to consider it pure joy?! pure joy.... how is that even possible? I know I didn't get into everything that makes me feel like a failure... we would be here all day and ya'll would probably think I'd lost my mind!?


I know we aren't being persecuted by people for our religion, no one is threatening my life because I believe in Jesus as they do in other countries. No one is holding a gun to my head asking me to renounce Jesus or die - that's persecution, that's trials!? So that sends me to think that I have no right to have any of these feelings at all anyway?! Right? ... who am I to feel this way? Who am I to think I have a right to good nights sleep? (There are people scared to death in other countries because they own a bible and it's in their home. There are people wondering where their next meal will come from or if they will even be able to feed themselves or their family?) Isn't that just selfishness to be furious over a good night of sleep? Who am I to think my day was so terrible because of a disobedient child? (I'm not saying I have it all together and I'm not even saying this realization has fixed my opinion of yesterday... I'm just saying) Do we even have a right to be upset about these things? If I can't handle a little mass chaos in a free country and a "rich" country at that, do I even know what James was talking about? Trials... real ones.. not just minor 1st world problems ... I don't know ... just my thoughts ... just me thinking out loud in a way ... I hope all this makes sense... I don't know, it may not ... trials, failure = pure joy .... because they develop patience and perseverance, right? Something to think about I guess...

Consistency, life and rollercoasters

Where do I begin? This school year is quickly coming to an end and it's been one heck of a year. To describe it as an emotional rollercoaster would be an understatement. So much has gone on in so many different areas. So many things the boys have had to learn to adjust to and so many things that I have had to adjust to as well. Navigating this life as a single mom and all the dynamics that come with that and learning to "co-parent", creates quite a whirlwind of emotions and a change of who you are whether you want it to or not. Ty and Tripp have experienced a lot this year and have been on their own life rollercoaster. I think about last summer when we went to Dollywood and how Ty was begging to ride all the rides, full of excitement and anticipation as we waited in lines and even impatience. Once he got strapped in and ready to ride he would giggle and laugh as we slowly moved up to the top for the big drop and then it was mass chaos ... as we made the turns and loops and drops and spins his expressions would change every second, happy, scared, smiles, laughs, squeals and unsure half laughs ... and as we rolled up to the end and it was time to get off the ride he was mad! Not because he didn't like the ride but because he wanted to do it again. Tripp was a different story, he wanted to ride but was scared from the start. He just wasn't sure about it AT ALL, but even being unsure he still wanted to give it a try. I offered to sit out with him while others rode but he said "no momma, I wanna try it". He was much more fearful of the whole process and during the ride he was really quiet and kept his eyes closed a lot ha! Reminded me of how I was when I first decided I'd ride a rollercoaster. He was white knuckled and tense but he was riding and hanging on for the experience. When we got off, he laughed and giggled and talked about how awesome it was and that he wanted to do it again! It reminds me a lot of how our life has been this year and especially the last few months ... we have been strapped in to this rollercoaster and at times it's fun and exciting and even an adrenaline rush. But other times it's scary and all we can do is hold on tight (white knuckles), close our eyes and endure the flips, turns, loops and drops and see what's waiting on the other side.


Ty has made a lot of improvements this year. His potty training has come a long way! This is good and bad because now he uses it to get out of situations or to manipulate those around him. He is so very smart and knows how to get what he wants when he wants it. So we have been working on not lying about needing to use the bathroom and being consistent in asking to go and then actually using the potty once he asks, it's a process ha but we are getting there. At home he has been following directions really well and completing household chores and we have even been out shopping without the stroller! This is a huge step in my book, to be able to be out and about and him hold my hand or hold on to the buggy without throwing major fits or having to be picked up and not attempting to run off as often. Now I still hold his hand really tight and we still have to have lots of talks throughout the shopping trip about staying close and not touching everything and not trying to pull away etc. But all in all this is a huge improvement to not have to be pushed or strapped in a stroller! Ty has also been feeding himself more without over stuffing! There are times when he will still put too much in his mouth but as a whole he has done a lot better with finger foods and using utensils too! He's doing pretty good on drinking out of cups; straws are definitely the easiest for us to use while eating. He doesn't backwash as much and cups with lids and straws help us not spill things as much too. He is still tongue pressing when he chews his food and only uses his teeth to bite something off and from there its like he basically just squishes whatever it is with his tongue until it can be pushed to the back of his throat or be washed down with a drink or softer food like apple sauce if that makes sense? His interests have grown this year too, he really enjoyed watching Tripp play baseball and would clap and laugh and get excited throughout the game instead of just playing with toys or not caring what was going on, he really did watch and focus and get involved as a spectator! He did pretty good with his miracle league baseball games this year too, he hit the ball off the tee independently but running the bases and fielding the ball is still a work in progress. He would rather just run around the field and then play with the bats and balls in the dugout. He has struggled at school a good bit this year. He has shown a lot of avoidance behaviors; if there is something he doesn't want to participate in he will just go to sleep or attempt to go to sleep and put his head down on the desk. He will also just refuse to do his work some days, closing his eyes and still looking in the teachers direction but not responding to instructions. He has typed on the iPad for his behavioralist but it is very challenging and takes him a while to complete words and sentences depending on what is going on but when he does type and when he does express himself in this way he has so much to say! He spells fairly large words correctly and has lots of opinions! This is so exciting that he is showing that he is capable but also challenging, because of his stubbornness, to get him to do it consistently. He still isn't writing his name on paper yet and will just scribble. I think some of that is just laziness and avoidance behaviors again but scribbling is better than nothing, however, I don't want him to use scribbling as a way to get out of work or as a way to just avoid what he's being asked to do. He is being pushed and challenged this year and I am so glad that others have been able to see what I have known he was capable of this whole time! There are times as a momma of a "non-verbal" child with autism that you doubt yourself, you wonder "Am I pushing him to much?" "Is it too hard?" "Does he really understand?" "Is it the sensory side that is holding him back?" "Is there something I'm missing?" "Is there something physically stopping him?" "Is it just his stubbornness?" I could go on an on and on with questions. But knowing that he has typed and communicated and done so in such a complex way shows me that those doubts are just that, doubts. He can do it and he just needs us to keep pushing him, to keep believing in him and to keep challenging him daily! If I'm honest, that can get tiring but it's what we have to do. I have to keep pushing him in every aspect so that he knows and he can see that there are expectations. It makes for a lot of discipline and a lot of structure. From the outside looking in it can appear to be too much and it can appear that I am keeping him from people, situations or just having fun. The only way I know how to explain it is to compare it to a kid playing with fire. We don't let kids play with fire because it will hurt them and can hurt others or cause mass destruction. In the same way I have to be strict across the board in every aspect of our daily lives with Ty because if I'm not then it can cause destruction on everything we have built to this point. It might seem like sitting in a chair to watch a ball game and not let him run and play and have free roam of a ball park is mean or that I am keeping him from having fun. When in actuality I am teaching him how to be a spectator and cheer for his brother. I am teaching him that there is a time to play and a time to watch. There are times for everything. He has lots of freedoms but I can't just let him have complete run of everything. I've tried that, it creates regression in every area of his life and it effects his school and learning environments the most. When he has structure across the board and has expectations on him across the board he is calmer, he is happier, he is healthier because he knows his boundaries. It gives him security. Even when he tests his boundaries and he pushes the limits, there is security in him knowing what is expected and what is allowed.  Just like you and I, we know our boundaries and so we are able to function in society without affecting others or getting in trouble because we know the rules and we know the consequences when those rules aren't followed. In the long run I have to look at the big picture, five or ten years down the road will it be acceptable? Whatever "it" is? It does take time for Ty to learn his limits so if I start now and if I am consistent now ... it will make him a better man in the future. It will help him learn to function in this crazy world as he grows into the man he is going to be. So when I struggle with the day to day... I just keep thinking and am often reminded by my friends, it's not about the right now... it's about who I am raising him to be. So don't give up mommas, even when it seems like it's too much or that everyone is against you ... that everyone has something to say ... don't quit. You are raising men and women and teaching them to love and obey so that they will be the amazing people God has planned for them to be. He has plans for us all and He has plans for my two boys, I can't wait to see what He has in store for us!


This life may seem like we are on one insane rollercoaster, there will be times when we just need to close our eyes and hold on tight, times when we laugh and squeal, times when we just scream at the top of our lungs and then there will be those times as we roll in at the end and think to ourselves ..."that was fun, let's do it again!"




I know that was a lot and it was all kind of jumping from one thing to another so thanks for hanging in there ... and for keeping up with us! love yall and thanks for reading!

He takes care of all the details ...

After Christmas the boys and I started looking for a new church to attend. I will always have a place in my heart for our old church and a lot of the people there but it was time for us to move on. Looking for a new church family can be overwhelming. I wanted to find a place to worship that was also a place where I could serve and a place where the boys would grow and learn and be loved.
We visited two churches: the first one we visited was a smaller church, we went on a Wednesday night and they did Wednesday night suppers (something Tripp knew as a staple for church ha) and then had a small bible study with everyone in the same room. Everyone was very sweet, they came and spoke to me and my friend that went with me and both the boys. Come to find out, the preacher had a son with autism and they were currently looking for a youth minister. When I left there I thought to myself, ok God I hear you. (I've always loved being a part of youth ministry in some way or another and that grew into my love for college kids as all my youth grew up!)
The second church we visited with another friend of mine on a
Sunday morning, again I was nervous/anxious/etc. When I took the boys to their classes, Ty's teacher was a special education teacher at one of the public schools and was excited to have him, she told me he would be fine and she would come get me if she needed me but insisted that he was just fine. During the service they announced about an upcoming mission trip to Honduras, I got a swift elbow in the side from my friend. Then as we were leaving the preacher and his wife were talking about starting a praise band and that they were looking for a set of drums. We came back that night and when I took the boys to their classes again not knowing who Ty's teacher would be and feeling anxious about it all. His teacher was another special education teacher at one of the public schools. When we left and got home I was kind of blown away. All the things I worried about and wanted to be a part of were laid in front of me on my first visit. I love Africa and Honduras and they just happened to be planning a trip. Ty's teachers were both basically trained, willing and ready to have him in their classes. Tripp has enjoyed every minute of the classes, music and preaching (Both of the boys have always loved church and I'm so glad they feel so at home). I love being a part of a praise band and that was one of the main things that I missed and that I wanted to be apart of some kind of bad.  I am very much a beginner when it comes to drums and bass guitar but they have allowed me to plug right in and now I'm playing bass with the praise band. It's almost as if God was saying, ok Mandy, would you like to try another one? It doesn't matter where you go, I will use you. I will provide for you and give you the desires of your heart and your boys will be loved and cared for. One of the first times I played on a Sunday morning the boys were sitting in the front pew right by me (incase Ty was gonna make a run for it I could grab him or get to him even though I was playing). Well as soon as he stood up and I shook my head and told him to sit down, one of the college kids jumped up and came and sat with him. I am still learning all the faces and names and don't know everyone's story. But just from the little bit we have been there I can see their hearts and I can feel God's love through them. It really is an amazing thing, the way God leads you and puts people and places in your life to show you that He cares about the tiniest of details. He cares that I wanted to be a part of band. That I wanted my boys to be loved. That I was worried on how Ty would fit in to a new church. He pours out His love to us in so many ways. I know I only went to two new churches and we have stuck with the second one. But I know that no matter where I go He already has plans for me ... it really just blows me away. I could go on and on with small/tiny details that matter and how He continues to show up.


School has been a little hectic since we returned from Christmas break. Apparently both the boys lost their minds for a little while and I have had to really reign them back in and take some drastic measures. In all of that Ty has started typing on an iPad some... but his behavior in the classroom has not been very good. He has acted out and reverted back to a lot of behaviors that we haven't seen in a long time. Tantrums, defiance, running away from therapists and teachers, attempting to hurt others or himself and then just non compliance in general. We are slowly getting back on track and I am hoping in the next few weeks he will be back to his normal self. I'm really hoping he will start to type more and communicate in that way on a regular basis. He is very stubborn (I don't know why?!) and he likes to do things in his own time and how he wants to do it. I'm praying we see some improvement ... I'm praying he will begin to show us all what I already know he can do! And then blow us all out of the water with more! He is so smart and that is a double edge sword because he also knows how to weasel his way out of things. This year has been a trying one but it has also been a learning one! I have not kept it all together and I have probably had more bad days than good. But I am still here and we are still trucking along, so that means something! So here's to the rest of 2017 and what God has in store for us!


I'm also going to try and blog more, I know I have been slacking ... baseball season is upon us so adorable pics to come of my sweet fellas! Thanks for reading! love yall!

impact

From the time I found out I was pregnant with Ty I prayed for him. I prayed daily that God would use him in a big way to impact others around him. I specifically prayed for Him to give Ty a passion for Jesus like no other. I still pray that and once Tripp arrived I began those same prayers for him.


Last night at church me and Ty were walking in the sanctuary. Once we got through the swinging door (this can be a process at times) Ty ran over and sat next to one of the younger youth boys. He just squeezed himself between him and the end of the pew, the young man had to scoot over a little so Ty would fit but he didn't go far and welcomed Ty and all his excitement. I laughed and told Ty to come on. The young man smiled real big and started talking to Ty, asked him for a high five and just started giggling at the things Ty was doing and Ty was laughing with him. Then Ty stops, looks up at me and says "Bye...Bye .... bye" lol. Like I was gonna leave him with a 12 year old and trust he wouldn't start hopping pews and running around the church?! We sat and chatted a few minutes with the young man and then went on to get his normal seat with an adult while I played in the band. As I walked away my heart began to smile. There are so many kids and teenagers in this world that show love. They show love to everyone no matter their differences. Yes our church is small and most everyone knows Ty and all his tactics but some could still shy away from conversations with him and some do. But those moments when young kids and youth intentionally create conversation and interactions with others who may not act or communicate in a "normal" fashion, those moments warm my soul. After worship we went to music for the kids and then to RA's. Ty and I ran up the stairs with the rest of the wild and rowdy boys (Tripp among them). We get settled in our seats and Ty starts chattering and trying to talk to everyone in the room, some smile big, some look away, some laugh and encourage his silliness. But there was one little guy (I say little I think he's a 4th grader?!) started talking to Ty. He asked him if he wanted a book, then a pen or pencil and a roll of tape.  He grabbed different things and kept sitting them in front of Ty so he would have stuff to play with. Ty would get excited and nod his head "yes" to each question. The little boy asked Ty how his day was, looked him in the eye and listened to Ty "talk" in his own language nodding along and being so attentive. When class was over Ty got mad because he wanted to leave and play with the door immediately and this same young man came up to Ty to reassure him and comfort him, he asked what was wrong and when I told him why he was upset, he told Ty "it's ok we're gonna all go out and play" and then stood with him. My heart was full again with the love that this kid poured out. The compassion and love in simple acts of kindness and interaction were huge! In less than an hour two young boys showed more love and compassion and kindness than a lot of adults know how to do.


There's so much going on in our world and there's a lot of hate running around in so many forms, it was good for my soul to see so much good in one night. To see kids and young teenagers show love to others and not just because it was Ty?! I think no matter who would have come and sat down and squeezed themselves in that pew would have been welcomed - it impacted me because it was Ty and because I struggle with him communicating and being welcomed by others. At times I judge and get mad and upset over situations where I think Ty was left out, overlooked, shunned, mistreated, on and on and on (I have amazing friends that set me straight when I can't see it) ... Sometimes those reactions are warranted and others are probably just me overreacting or expecting something from someone who hasn't been taught how to treat others or how to communicate and include those that are a little different. Sometimes I am on edge and don't really give folks a chance and I see their stares and assume the worst - I know an 8 year old in a stroller who is "talking" his own language or making strange noises isn't the norm and when he attracts attention by being loud or mad or happy - there are times I don't give folks the benefit of the doubt that they aren't just staring to be mean... there are times that those looks are meant to be hurtful ... but for the most part it is probably just curiosity and I know I need to work on that on my end. But these two boys last night really made my night. It might not have been a big deal to them or to Ty but it was a big deal to me. It showed me their hearts and that there are so many kindhearted, loving and just good people everywhere we go. Something God apparently knew I needed to see.


I told you at the beginning of this how I have always prayed for God to use Ty since he was in the womb. Last night I was talking with one of my favorite teenagers, who's a senior this year. She was telling me all about college and what she wanted to do and her big picture plan for her life. In part of her explanation of  why she chose her major she said "I wanna work with kids like Ty". There have been a handful of former youth, college students and kids that we have crossed paths with in the past 8 years that have gone on to pursue degrees in areas of special education, OT, PT, SLP, etc. That have come back and said "I wanted to work with kids like Ty" ... I know he is not the soul reason they chose their path and that there are lots of factors. They have amazing parents that have raised them and helped in their decision making process and groomed them into the amazing young men and women that they are today. But when I hear "I wanna work with kids like Ty" it makes me smile. It shows me his impact and how God is using him in a huge way, even when I don't see it.


I know this was kind of all over the place and just some random stories but these are the things that show me how God loves. They show me that He answers prayers and that He is using us to impact those around us even in the little things.

The ugly truth ...

  Life is crazy. There are times that we think we have it all planned out and know where we will be in the next 10 years. We lay out our hopes and dreams for our families, jobs, vacations and think we have it all figured out. We say those "I'll never...." statements and are adamant that we know what we will and will not do with our lives.... and then life happens. I could compare it to the Olympics. Michael Phelps for example, if he were to show up at the starting block for a medal winning race and instead of diving in and swimming hard as he has trained to do, he jumps in and does a canon ball, makes a huge splash and then attempts to catch up with the pack after he's made waves and caused a scene in the pool.  The reaction from the crowd would probably be confusion, a little laughter from some, others would be outraged (I mean he's trained his whole life for this, what is he doing?!), and others would just gawk and stare because they can't believe what they just saw, then you'd have those few that continue to cheer for him because he's Michael Phelps if there's anyone that can do a canon ball and still win the race then it's him, right?!


  Well, that's kind of like my life right now. Everything has changed. Divorce sucks, it's ugly, hurtful and a mess and it changes you. It doesn't matter how peaceful anyone tries to be. It's a mess. It always will be. It effects everyone around you - your kids, friends, family, etc.  It puts a strain on relationships with everyone in your life even when you try for it not to. It's as if I have "done a canon ball in the pool at an Olympic race" and just shook the world around me.  When the news got out about our divorce some people were outraged, some just gawked and stared, a few saw it coming and then I've had those that have just continued to cheer - not that they are advocates for divorce but that they know that life happens and they can see the hope in the future. 


  I've seen on facebook some people who post their divorce selfies with their former spouse and a copy of their divorce, kind of like a newly married couple will do with their marriage license but instead it's with their judgment for divorce. Smiling? Happy? Thumbs up? When I see things like that I think "yeah right, that's not possible". As we started this process I thought "we can do this peaceful and with as little damage to the kids and still maintain a good healthy co-parenting relationship" and that is still my goal but it's not easy. I've learned a lot in the last year. I'm surrounded by an amazing group of friends that have supported me in so many ways and I couldn't have made it through this without them and Jesus of course. They have seen me cry, talked to me for hours, been angry with me, sad with me, mad with me, mad for me, when I couldn't fight for myself they fought for me and they have made me laugh, oh how they have made me laugh! I wouldn't trade any of them for anything in this world! They are my tribe and my people! I love them more than I know how to tell them!


   As of August 11th our divorce was final. We haven't lived in the same house since February but it took 6 insane months for it to be final. I remember letting my friends know that it was done and they all asked me "are you ok?" my answer was yes - there have been lots of emotions in this process and they have seen me at my worst but on that day for whatever reason it was a relief for it to be done. I won't give all the crazy details because honestly I don't want my kids to have ill feelings towards either of their parents and one day they may read this. I know that they still may hear through others stories of what happened as they get older. Some stories will be true and others will be completely made up and they will have questions and I pray I will have graceful answers. Answers that don't tear down who their daddy is to them. Answers that support their relationship with their dad and can somehow show them that this was just another part of life. I hope somehow I will be able to show them love and grace in the midst of the madness of divorce. I want my boys to know that their parents love and support them and even though life didn't work out how we had planned that it's not their fault and that we did everything we could to be good parents. In the end it's all about Jesus anyway. Just because we divorced doesn't mean that I am not suppose to show grace as Jesus would (not that it's easy, but that is my goal).


   Well, let me switch gears for a min and brag on my sweet boys! School has started and they are doing great! They are both riding the bus to school (this was a challenge for me because I have always taken them to school, but after a lot of thought, research, prayer and meetings with teachers and drivers - they are riding the bus to school! and they absolutely love it!). Ty is always excited when he sees the bus coming, he starts giggling and pointing and hugging me as if I have taken him to Disney world lol. The first day he got on the bus he ran up those stairs and never looked back. He and Tripp ride different buses because Ty's bus has fewer seats, seat belts if needed to keep him in his seat and a bus monitor to help him while he's riding. Tripp has done amazing on the bus as well, he comes home telling me all about his friends on the bus and how many stops they make, etc. I think it has given them both some independence and they are loving it.


  We have changed Ty's meds again and now he is on less meds at night! He's been doing really well lately and it is so amazing to watch him grow. We are still attempting potty training, he wears pull-ups and will point to his pull-up if he needs to go to the bathroom sometimes. He likes to just point to his pull-up to get my attention and make me stop what I'm doing so we can go in the bathroom sit on the potty and then immediately stand up without even attempting to use the bathroom. So we have been working on that. He's been doing really well at school. His teacher told me about him sitting in the hall waiting for the bell to ring before they went into the class room and his friend (a girl) was sitting next to him and when the bell rang he jumped up and then leaned down to gently help her up. He also gave this same friend his pencils (if you know Ty, that's a big deal because he likes to carry things with him and it's usually two of something well on that day it was pencils and he's bad about teasing people and acting like he will give you his toy or pencils but then taking them right back) well on this day for whatever reason he gave her his pencils and let her keep them! If you ask him about her he just grins from ear to ear it's really sweet to see him interact with his classmates and form those bonds with his peers.


  We started Ty buddy's at church last Sunday and it went really well! Ty had a helper that took him to Sunday school and then into big church during the singing, sat with him during the children's story and then took him to children's church! It was so amazing to see him interacting and doing all the "normal" things on Sunday and I can't thank my church enough for being such a big part of his life! I have had a lot of people comment on how well Ty has been doing lately and especially at church. He's been listening better and interacting more and it really just warms my heart to see others see that in him! I am excited to see what the Lord has in store for us this year!


Well thanks for reading I know it was a bunch and kind of scattered! love yall and thank you for all the love and support throughout this year and this whole process of our new normal.

Why?

I know I write a lot of posts about wanting Ty to be able to talk. I pray every day for God to give him the words he needs to communicate in this world. To give him the ability to speak and not have to face this frustration and aggravation of people not understanding what he wants or needs. I pray for Him to give him a spirit of peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness and self-control (those are things we are promised? right?). There are days that I see the positive side and I see how lucky I am that he is here and he is healthy and for the most part a happy boy who navigates and figures out how to communicate with those around him without saying a word and I am amazed at his ability to use what he's been given and teach those of us around him what he needs or wants. But there are bad days, there are days when I cry uncontrollably because I can't fix it. I don't always know exactly what's going on. I've gotten really good at guessing and reading him. For the most part I can tell if he's trying me or if there's really something wrong. But to be completely honest sometimes I just don't know. I don't know if he's crying because he's not getting his way or if he's upset or hurting and just can't tell me. I don't know if he's mad because I told him he couldn't do something or if he's mad because he was trying to tell me something else and I didn't understand. There's a lot of I don't knows when your child is considered and "labeled" nonverbal. If I'm honest there's a lot of days I just hate that word "nonverbal" because he's not completely, he speaks some words, he yells, he communicates. He just doesn't do it like everyone else. He has his own language that we are desperately trying to figure out. I understand by textbook definition it's just a "diagnosis" but it doesn't mean I have to like it. There are days I get mad at God. I tell him how I know He can fix this. I know He can settle Ty's anxieties and frustrations and help him have self-control instead of impulsive behavior. I know He is able to do all things. He tells us this. So I ask him, often times out of anger, why won't you let him speak when you are the one that can give him words. You can make the deaf hear, you can make the lame walk, you can heal the sick and raise the dead! I know you can allow him to speak and communicate in a way that we would all understand. In a way that he wouldn't be upset or frustrated because no one understands. So why not?! I get mad and upset and cry and then get frustrated and wonder who am I to ask and demand these things from God? Right ?


A new school year is starting. Luckily the boys and I live in the school district for North Pike this year so no fight there. But as Ty enters 3rd grade and Tripp enters 2nd grade I just wonder. I see kids Ty's age and I wonder and am a bit envious of what they have. I don't mean to be. I wonder a lot. What would Ty and Tripp's relationship look like? How would they be different? Would Tripp look to him more and talk to him about life the way he does with his other friends and cousins that can talk? How would they be different?  What will this school year entail? How will Ty progress? I know that he will progress, he's smart, loving, happy and healthy. But what about the days he struggles to let others know what's going on inside? When will we be able to understand and know? I don't have the answers. I have faith that he will speak. I have faith that he will always grow and learn. I have faith that we are slowly making our way towards potty training and normal daily self help activities and doing those independently. Feeding himself, getting dressed, brushing his teeth, bathing, etc. I have faith that one day he will be an independent thriving young man. Guess I'm saying, yes I know we are lucky, he's amazing, Tripp is an amazing little brother, he's growing, he's healthy, he's here. Doesn't mean that I don't yearn for the day to hear him speak.

sleepless nights

So for 8 years we have been accustomed to no sleep ... Ty was always waking up in the night, multiple times, and keeping everyone else awake too. Then I attempted keeping both boys in the same room, in the same bed with a baby gate up and I was across the hall. Still sleepless nights. Tripp would wake up multiple times in the night to go to the bathroom, when Tripp was up Ty would get up and vice versa. Today I can tell you that the boys have had more sleep in the last month than any of us have in the last 8 years! They started out in the new house in the same room and separate beds. Well that didn't work. Ty kept keeping Tripp up all night, as I started to move Ty's bed into the other room he let me know real quick that he wasn't happy about it. I asked him if he was upset about me moving his bed and he quickly shook his head yes.(I was so pumped about the quick and clear communication!) So I had a heart to heart and told him this was his last chance. He did better that night. However, the next night he didn't - he was up and down flipping on lights and attempting to open the gate. So I bought a gate that used hardware to go into the wall and moved his bed, still not sure if this was going to work?! Bedtime came around and Ty went with me to tuck Tripp in and say his prayers and then I put Ty in his bed, tucked him in said his prayers and closed the gate. I sat quietly in the living room where I could see both rooms and just waited. Ty came to the gate a few times to see if I was there and finally put himself back in bed and went to sleep. Each night got easier and easier. For 8 years our bedtime routine has been: sit in the room until the boys fall asleep, then sneak out like a ninja and hope you don't step too heavy, breathe too loud, stand up too loud .... the list goes on... I'm sure you think I'm kidding, but there have been many nights that the simple motion of moving from a sitting position to standing could wake a child from a deep snore?! So for me to walk in each of the boys rooms and simply tuck them in and walk out and call it a night - I felt like I won the lottery! Seriously, I was in disbelief and I'm pretty sure I pinched myself just to make sure it wasn't a dream. There are still nights here and there that the boys may wake up a little early or need me in the night but not every night! I have even had to go in and wake them up the next morning - that has maybe only happened once in the last 8 years?! It's the little things that turn into big things that make me smile and make me think.


It makes me think of how much God does for us. Those times when we don't think He's anywhere near us. We run around kicking and screaming and crying because we think He doesn't care, He just left me here by myself, He put this gate up so I can't get out, Why, WHY, WHY?!  He's really in the next room waiting, allowing you to grow, allowing you to learn how to control those fears and emotions that want to run rampant in your soul. If we could just trust Him, know He is on guard and know that when it's time He will come to the door and open that gate. Not on our terms and not while we are in the middle of a raging fit .... but when He's ready.

change

So it's been a crazy few months and I haven't had the time or the energy to make a post but I think it's time to...
Ty is doing pretty good - we are trying to figure out his medication and lots of trial and error right now but bottom line - he's still not sleeping through the night and is having some panic attacks here and there and seems to be anxious a lot of the time. He has been pretty defiant at times both at home and in the classroom. We are hoping to start using an AAC device for communication once school starts back in January. We have been using a laminated sheet with the words and "buttons" on it that mimic the screen for the AAC device to practice at home and they use it at school. He has done really well with this and we are hoping the device will just further his communication skills!
The trip to TN was lots of fun, the boys and I broke the drive up into two days just because I wasn't sure how well they would do traveling for 9 hours. They slept all the way to the hotel the first night and then Ty slept most of the way to Pigeon forge and we hit the ground running. I only had a day and half to spend with them because our Christmas Cantata was that Sunday and I had to get back but we packed in as much as we could in that time. We ate at the Apple Barn, shopped, shopped, shopped and shopped. Then we hit up a go-kart track and once the rest of the family made it to TN we met them at the cabin around 8 or 9 that night. The next morning we went to the go-kart tracks again at Tripp's request. He rode his little heart out with uncle Matt and uncle Josh and we played some video games at the arcade. Ty loved the arcade, there were a few games that he really liked. One was a giant fruit ninja game where you slice the fruit on a giant touch screen and get points and tickets for high scores. Then he loved the games where you drop your tokens in and watch them spin round and round but his favorite was probably skeeball. He didn't play by the rules but he kept coming back to it and pointing at the coin slot for us to pay and play lol. We also got to go to the Wonderworks indoor park which was really fun. Ty loved playing on the giant light bright board and the giant video game you get to stomp on the characters (kind of like wac-a-mole) those were probably his favorites... he did try and steel the basketballs from the basketball shoot but we were able to redirect and keep moving. All in all he had an awesome day and I was real impressed with how well he handled all the hustle and bustle of the road trip and then hopping from one thing to the next in town. Maybe I'll be brave enough to try a bigger theme park soon? Who knows? Tripp was an awesome little brother as always and I think if he could have rode go-karts all day he would have! He loved getting up and hitting the town, shopping, and just going ... he never wanted to stop.
Sam came up Saturday and finished out the trip with the boys and they got into all kinds of things and then on the ride home Ty didn't do so well... he had a rough time but they made it home safe and sound! And now for Christmas!






So I'm sure this won't go over well with some and others may have seen it coming and some of you just might not care - so feel free to stop reading here lol ...


Life in our home is about to change, Sam and I are getting a divorce and trying to keep things as normal as we can for the boys in the process. No need for details here on why and what happened ... and really it doesn't matter... bottom line is things just didn't work out. But my hope and main concern are these two boys and to keep them happy and healthy even in the midst of something like this. How does that work? I don't really know? Prayers and more prayers would probably be the best thing I could ask for. We plan to keep the boys in North Pike and at our church ... will things be awkward?? ... yeah I'm sure... but we are pretty used to awkward... this isn't something I ever thought I'd do and it was most definitely on my list of things "I won't do" but it's crazy how things change and you can't really say what you will and won't do and you sure can't judge someone for decisions they make because you don't know what they went through or may be going through that brought them to that point. So another life lesson learned and I'm just praying we can be better parents for the boys and still show them the love and grace of Jesus in the middle of the madness... So why say that here on Ty's blog? Well because it's a part of our life and our journey and it probably has something to do with his behavior issues and we just need prayer: prayers for wisdom and guidance and communication even when it's hard because at the end of the day it's not about me or sam and to just love us through this transition time and finding our new normal ... I love ya'll ... and thanks for reading.

What if you fly ...

I used to dread birthday parties, they would give me the shakes, because there were so many unknowns. Obviously we knew the person who invited us but what about all the other people? I would almost work myself up over all the little things so much that I would get a headache just thinking about all of the what if's. What if a kid picks on Ty? What if he has an accident? What if he accidentally hurts another child because he is just like a bull in an china shop sometimes? What if he slips away and runs off? What if someone stares at us and I say something inappropriate? I could go on and on but I'll stop here.

This year we have branched out and even attended a few 'outside of the family' birthday parties. Just this past weekend we went to a birthday party at a gym and the boys had a blast! When we arrived Ty went a little crazy with some doors but we were able to redirect him. Once we were in the party room he found some balloons and was thoroughly entertained with two balloons and a corner mirror. Tripp gets quiet in large groups with adults and kids and so he was over by the birthday boy not sure if he should put on his mask (it was a super hero party) or just leave it, he eventually decided to wear his captain america mask once the party got going. As we sat at the table visiting with everyone, this little girl came up to us and said "Hey Ty, Ty hey buddy". Ty was very busy in the mirror with his balloons but he did stop to recognize the little girl and just grunted and danced with his balloons. The little girl started talking to me and told me she went to school with Ty and that last year she used to take kids to his class and Ty would slam the door in her face. She said it so matter of fact and I kind of laughed and told her I was sorry he slammed the door. I explained how he loves to watch doors and he really loves to run. Her eyes got big and she said "oh I sure know that! We don't let him out the door when we take things to Mrs Raybon's class". I talked with her for a little while longer and then Ty decided he would join the conversation. He started jabbering and "talking" to her, showing her his balloon and she was just so sweet to him. I even heard her say "yeah that's right, tell me about it" almost in a motherly tone. My heart was so full in these moments. We left the party room and headed out to the gym area and this sweet little girl walked with us and wanted Ty to play with her. Ty discovered the jump from the top of the foam pit and wouldn't do anything else! He saw a boy scale the wall for a higher jump and immediately made his way over there, turned and looked at sam, pointed to the jump and said "EH!" As in Hey put me up there lol. I could constantly hear that girl saying "Ty hey look at this, there's a trampoline over here" "hey Ty, look a slide, do you wanna come with me" "Ty check this out" .... it was so sweet. Made my day to see just a friend from school who knows him and wanted to play. Tripp started off playing with Ty but he was real unsure about that big jump into the foam pit. So it took him a while to finally do it, and he was off with the boys running, jumping, scaling walls.... just doing whatever and coming back often to check on his bro and then finally making the jump off the ledge. When it was time to go, neither of the boys were ready and Ty fussed at first but he was pretty worn out so it wasn't a big fight.

So I guess all of that to say, birthday parties aren't that bad anymore. Yes some fears will always be there but if you go through life wondering "what if" and not doing something just because you're scared. Well then you will never do anything... there's a quote that says:

What if i fall? Oh, but darling, what if you fly?! - erin hanson

Ty was fearless on that foam pit jump... I have a few blurry pictures of him falling just flat out, face first-belly flop, into the foam. Not a care in the world and so excited. It makes me think of how brave he is, how willing he is to just fall, arms wide open, grinning and squealing with excitement... and how he can just fly .... That's exactly how we should be, we should be willing to let it all go and just fall face first into the arms of Jesus.... These boys of mine teach me something new every day, I don't know what I would do without them. Thanks for reading :) love y'all!

Here are a few blurry shots of Ty falling into the pit and a few of Tripp and that sweet little girl who played with Ty:

just a little outing and an update

So, me and the boys went to Apple Bees for lunch (bc we had a gift card) on sunday. We sat in a booth, all on the same side, and throughout lunch Ty was pretty active ... he wasn't terrible just jumpy and laughing and did get obsessed with a few things here and there - like a picture on the wall that had a basketball, he just kept trying to take it down, luckily it was screwed in pretty good! Ha! I wrestled him a few times to get him to turn back around in his seat all while still trying to give Tripp attention etc. Tripp kept himself occupied with his kids menu games and he and I had some mad games of tick-tack-toe going on in between me feeding and wrestling with Ty.... Well as we were wrapping up lunch this man comes and sits in the open side of our booth and then tells us that he likes to acknowledge when he goes out to eat and sees well behaved kids, and told us how sweet the boys had been through lunch and then gave the boys $6 to split between them. As we walked out we gave him and his wife a Ty bracelet and Tripp thanked them one more time and Ty told them "bye".... it was definitely unexpected ... I probably wouldn't have said Ty was "well behaved" that day but this man did, so maybe I need to not stress so much over all the little things and just let them be kids .... and to encourage both of them in the good behavior that they do show. Tripp is such a big helper, he does so much and thinks about a lot of things most 6 year olds wouldn't have to think about ... it was just really kinda crazy to get that kind of acknowledgement from a complete stranger.

Update on Ty:
We have started Ty on a new medication and the doctor said it will take a couple of weeks before it really gets in his system. So far there has been no change. He's been very defiant lately and throwing tantrums and even at times hitting. The last time we tried medication we went through 2 or 3 before just taking a break from it all and he ended up balancing out on his own and listening more, behaving, etc. As school started back and we got more into the everyday routine his behavior just became worse and worse so that's why we decided to give medication another try. We may end up trying a few different things before we know what med and what dosage works for him. But I'm hoping and praying we get the right one that still lets Ty be Ty and just takes away a lot of his anxiety and defiantness (if that's a word?). We will see. Prayers are much appreciated in all of this.

Today is a good day!

Today my boys are in school! 7 days behind the others, but in school so I should just be grateful.... The end ... right?

Don't get me wrong, today is a good day, a really good day! Because I finally got to tell my 6 year old, who has been begging to go to school with his big brother, that he could go. He did a happy dance last night because he was so excited and then woke up and asked me again "do I really get to go to school today?" I just answered "yes, buddy".

Some of you might be thinking "why not just move into the district?" or "maybe you should file your paperwork sooner". Well I sent my paper work in to be released based on the 30 mile rule back in March. The North Pike board didn't act on it until July. (I'm sure there is a rule or something for why?) For those that ask why not just move? Well we had very little notice and were strung along on the possibility that this would be fixed and we had no reason to think this year would be any different than any other year as far as being released and accepted out of one and into another district. When we planned on having kids, we never planned on needing a public school. We planned on sending our kids to the private school. So it's not like we planned on living in just the right strategic location to not pay taxes and reap the benefits, I mean if that were the case we should be 1 mile in a different direction?!

Because it's that 1 mile that started all of this, we are 1 mile closer to another school in an adjacent district....so because of this mile nothing else matters. The fact that I have letters stating that it would be detrimental to Ty's education to move him didn't matter. Some of you may be thinking well he's just in the second grade. You are right. But he has been coming to this school since he was 3 for early intervention. Even though most of his early intervention therapies were done in Hattiesburg at USM, he started at North Pike and has been familiar with the school because of it. So he really is established here. He is loved here. His teachers and the faculty and staff here know him and love him. He thrives in his class room. He has friends. Those friends greeted him today with open arms! They all yelled "Ty!!!!" as he walked in the door. His teacher has expectations for him, she challenges him, speaks his language and encourages him to be who he is! And that alone is worth fighting for. So for now... today.... it's a good day. My boys are in school, Tripp is right down the hall from Ty in class with an amazing teacher and friend! I am excited to see what this year holds for my boys. Because it was a heck of a ride so far.

I received my special release Thursday night, showed up Friday morning with my registration paperwork and dropped it off. Penton tried to give us the run around on when we could register and did his best to make this as difficult as possible. But I will say that staff has been very kind and helpful through this process.

For those that ask, what about next year? I'll get back to you on that, right now I will bask in His glory and this victory... I feel like I have been wrestling a bear for a few months and just won.