Hello teenage years...insert let's get ready to rumble theme song now...

 Hey everybody! Yes I know, it's been quite a while since I've blogged, life has been a bit crazy and insane per usual but what could we expect from 2020 and the madness that has ensued right? So a quick update, I bought a house and got out of the apartment life finally! (Whoop whoop). Our neighborhood is full of dogs, so Ty is like a kid in a candy store anytime we walk outside. (I'll come back to this in a minute). The boys played their final season of rec football together and man was it amazing. Tripp has really grown and absolutely loves the game and his teammates who have become amazing friends. Ty got to run a touchdown in each game this year and I cried every single time. His teammates were so precious and I have never seen a group of young boys so excited for another kid. The joy and excitement every single time it was time for him to run his touchdown was so pure and sweet, it filled my soul with absolute joy. They never got tired of running with him and even when he tried to run the wrong way and if he fell down in the process, they stopped helped him up and then celebrated each time as if it was the first and only time! I will never forget it. I have pictures and videos of my boys running side by side into the endzone that I never knew I would have and that is priceless. Those coaches, parents and kids will always be family to me. 

School is going great, the teachers and students always go above and beyond. Due to covid things have changed quite a bit and they haven't been able to do Project Outreach but I am hoping that will change soon because that is such a wonderful program that is so good for all of the students involved. For those that don't know what Project Outreach is, it's a program where the "typical" students sign up and come help the kids in the self-contained classroom with projects, homework, etc or they just come hang out, have events and learn how to interact with each other and be friends "different not less" is their motto. That's a very short version. So all that to say that I am hoping things will start to get back to normal very very soon! 

Ok, so back to Ty and the dogs. Lately, he has been on quite a wild hair. He just turned 13 and the only thing I can figure is that he has decided he can now rule the world and has no boss. Just like any teenager right? They know everything, don't need any help and nothing will ever happen to them. This also comes with attitude, eye rolls and moodiness. I've had my 30 day free trial to the teenage years and I'd like to skip on ahead now please. ha. Every time we walk outside Ty is on high alert for any animal in the neighborhood, cat, dog, squirrel, etc - it really doesn't matter just anything. He searches and stands looking for them like an old country boy spotting a deer, he can spot a cat behind a bush 6 houses down and then immediately head in that direction with a very mischievous grin and giggle that is adorable and a little concerning all at the same time. He gets tunnel vision and does not care what is around him. Well when we are inside, he has started to run to the windows and doors and pull back curtains to peak out the windows, etc. just searching for a glimpse of a dog or cat. So last Sunday, he woke up, put on his shoes(he never does this) and started walking around the house. I stayed in bed and just waited to see what he'd do because I knew he thought I was asleep. So he walked by my door about 4 times, he kind of creeps by, peaks in, then sneaks to his room and back and forth a few times then walks to the front door, unlocks it and walks out. I immediately got up and grabbed him and disciplined him and then told him how unsafe that was and that he couldn't do that yadda yadda. He looked at me as if I was speaking another language and then closed his eyes and bobbed his head side to side with lots of attitude as he mumbled something back. I am fairly certain he was cussing me and pleading his case lol but I will never know. I'll be sure to video it one day and show you all. So then I continue to get him dressed and ready for church and while I am getting myself ready, Tripp comes in and says mom, Ty is in the backyard on the swing?! So same thing happens, we run through the same chat, discipline etc and then head to church. I was a bit panicked because of the seriousness of it all. I do try and attach humor to everything because honestly if you don't laugh then you will just crawl in a corner and cry all day. So I laugh, right? I run through every scenario in my head of what I need to do to lock down my house tighter than Fort Knox. Thankfully, I grew up in the 80s and 90s and have lots of hands on knowledge on how to set booby traps(thank you goonies and my brothers) and we head off to Lowes to get locks, cameras and everything needed to lock down the house. I put up the cameras and locks on the doors, I have also put a camera in his room that will go off at night if he gets up. I have debated setting trip wires, bubble wrap on the floor, maybe even an air horn but then it may just become a game right? So for now just the cameras, extra locks and door chimes. If you come over and hear alexa announce your entrance, along with the confetti canon that alerts the rest of the house, well you can thank Ty for that. But in all seriousness we are good. This is just the life we are given and it often makes me think of how God must see us. I mean He provides everything we need and gives us, guidance and direction and what do we do with it? We want what we don't need, we wonder off and do things outside of His will, put our lives in danger all because we are like a child who wanted to cross the street and chase a squirrel or go see the dog. I mean who knows, that dog may be mean and try to bite us?! He knows that but all that kid sees is "but I want it right now, it's so FLUFFY". So when God puts you on lock down, allows things to happen to you that you think 'this is the end of the world'. Maybe, just maybe you need to stop and say what am I doing? Maybe He is trying to teach me something? Just a thought. Or maybe it's just me? ha. 

Anyway, I have rambled on enough. Thanks for reading and feel free to leave a comment or smart remark :) And if this is my parents, everything is ok and no need to panic, Promise. 

the 12th man and a prayer

The 12th man

Football is a complicated sport. There are lots of rules. It takes guts, grit and determination to pursue a spot on a team and dedication to keep it. There are risks and rewards that are seen on and off of the field. Football is physically demanding and you are almost guaranteed to be in physical pain at some point and you're almost always just one hit away from a serious injury.  So what good could come from a sport that almost certainly guarantees you harm at some point in time?  That's a really good question. Being a part of a team (no matter the sport/club/etc) is full of life lessons.  Contact sports create such a strong camaraderie that it is almost like being in battle together. The friendships and bonds formed while practicing, running, hitting, planning, sweating, and executing everything you learned all week in one night, is like no other. As a fan it's easy to just watch the game and cheer and share in the joy of the wins or the disappointment of the losses. As a mom, it's a whole new ballgame. Tripp has taken to football and loves it, he is all in and wants to be in on ALL the action. He is still learning the game and still learning how to hit and be hit and run and not be run down but the joy he has for the game warms my heart. The fear of him being hit too hard or trash talked on the line is new for me, but I am learning to just be there and not step in... I am learning to just encourage and not over step my lines... learning. I'll leave that there for now. Ty also loves him some football. He loves to watch the game and gets excited when he sees them tackle each other, so much so that last year we signed him up to play with Tripp. I didn't know how it would look or how or what all he would do but we gave it a shot. Getting used to the pads and helmet took some time but by the end of the season he loved to be chased down and tackled by his teammates and absolutely loved being out there on game day. Fast forward to this year and we are out there again. He is at practice and even though he doesn't always do exactly what the others are doing, he is welcomed there. He is doing more this year than he did last year.  His teammates know his name and they find ways to communicate with him and they always want him to participate. His coaches encourage him to run the drills, in his own way and his own pace. (The way he does everything). They are so patient with him and there is something awesome about seeing others require more of him. He's not just on the sidelines or a burden. He's part of their team. Last year Ty got in , a game as a safety on defense and his coach helped him stay in the right position and run a set of downs. This year his coaches told me they wanted to try and get him in each game, however that looks (I told them that was fine with me, and no matter what he is just happy to be here). Ty doesn't run to the action or run to tackle the opponents. We are working on it. He loves to be chased and is learning to catch the ball and we are teaching him to chase the man with the ball but we haven't gotten all of that worked out just yet and I'm perfectly ok with it. In practice his teammates will chase him down and tackle him and he thinks it's hilarious, he gets up and wants to do it over and over again. He likes to do the running drills, but especially loves the one where someone is trying to run him down. He loves to tackle the dummies in slow motion and at times I have to redirect him from playing with the orange cones or sitting down because he doesn't want to watch and run the same play over and over. He wants the action. But that's part of football. Putting in the work. Doing the things that you don't want to do but that you need to do. And I'm glad that he has other adult, men, who require that of him. Last Tuesday Ty was the 12th man. In football you are only allowed 11 players on the field at a time or else it's a penalty. However, his coach arranged with the other team and umpires for him to get in and run a set of downs as an extra safety and it was awesome. There wasn't some big play and we had to make him give up his football on the sidelines to go out on the field and have the coach help him stay in position. But he did it. I could see the joy on his face and the pride after the game and that was enough for me. Will he continue to play football as he gets older? I don't know. Tripp is already planning his college around it! (I'm not sure how I feel about that yet). I also saw something in Tripp when Ty was on the field that I didn't realize until later, he played harder, when Ty was out there as the 12th man. When he got in the truck after the game, he said that coach ran to the line and told the coaches "we have an extra man, ok?" and Tripp said "I was thinking, are you gonna tell them not to hit him?" I laughed, because I understand the feeling but also the freedom that Ty has in those moments. He's just like everyone else, to be hit or not, to yell and jump and be wild on the field or not. The choice is his. Maybe they will both continue to play together and maybe they won't. But for now football has brought my boys together on the field with their peers and an acceptance in this community that I haven't seen anywhere else. Ty isn't a joke or a burden, he is wanted out there. Tripp isn't embarrassed by him, he encourages him and is proud for him too. So for now he's our 12th man, without penalty.

A simple prayer

Last Friday I got a message from Ty's teacher about something he did in class. They had a student in a fender bender and she asked if someone wanted to lead them in prayer. Ty stood up both hands raised and walked to the front of the class and folded his hands and started to pray (in his "words"). At the end of his prayer, she said he spoke a clear "amen". And they were all in tears. Our youth pastor is also at the middle school and he said they all came to him in tears telling him what happened and how shocked they were by him. He is always full of surprises. The last few weeks he has given me a run for my money, he's extremely stubborn and full of preteen attitude. Yes eye rolls and head nods and all. He may be "non-verbal" but he definitely has lots to say and lots of ways to say it. We had lots of come to Jesus meetings between the two of us and lots of "change your attitude" talks. I can't remember how many times I told him he needed to pray and get his head straight. And then I would immediately wonder if he did or if he hears what I am saying and does he understand me? But Friday, when I got that message, I knew he heard me. No he hasn't really changed his preteen attitude but he is listening. It was like God smacked me in the face and said, see. Who does he remind you of? I have prayed and prayed for my boys and I have prayed for them to have the tools they needed to survive in this crazy world and for them to have a passion for Christ above all else and to be used by Him. I hope and pray that his stubbornness will blossom into a love for Jesus that can't be shaken. Until then, I will sit back and attempt to keep my sanity, haha. The verse John 9:3 "but this happened so that the works of God may be displayed in him..." has never spoken more clearly to me as it did last Friday.

ramblings and iep meetings

There are a lot of things I need to be doing right now. I have an essay and a paper to write but I keep racking my brain and decided maybe if I blog it'll help me process it all. It's my therapy. So yesterday I had a couple of meetings at the school. One was about Ty's toileting habits, they are still a work in progress. The other was about his eligibility for services at school. Let me start by telling you how amazing this team of teachers and therapists are - they really are phenomenal. The dedication, determination and ability they have to read their students blows me away. As I sat and listened to them talk about Ty and how they wanted to make sure we were all on the same page so that Ty is pushed and challenged and expected to do the same things everywhere; my mind kept running. I rack my brain daily on what to do for him. After the meetings were over, I went home and cried. Not because they did anything wrong because they didn't. They are doing everything right, to a T! I broke because it's overwhelming. There's so much to process and so much that needs to be done and so much of it seems like I should have had it done yesterday, last week, last month, last year, etc. As a parent none of us ever feel like we are doing any of it right so I don't expect to have all the answers. But oh what I would give to have the answers. What I would give for just a day inside Ty's head. Heck I'd take an hour if I could get it. There's so much I want to know. So when I come out of those meetings and everything I already know is shown on paper and discussed the only thing left for me to do is break. I am sure I already appear to be hanging by a thread on a 'normal' day ha!(what's normal right?) I can't imagine what I look like on a day like yesterday?! Those meetings are just exhausting, I don't know how those teachers and therapists do it?! They have to have those meetings for all their students?! They really blow me away.

So one of the things I need to find is a toy or a prize for Ty. It needs to be enticing to him. The best thing ever! A strength and weakness of Ty is that - at times he just doesn't care. If he's in trouble and isn't allowed to have his "favorite" things, oh well, that's not his favorite thing anymore. I remember when he was little, I use to always say that he didn't have that "one" thing that he fixated on. Most kids with autism have something that becomes their "thing", cars, trains, dinosaurs, piano, drums, etc. But Ty was always content with just about anything. He loved rocks, pictures, minions, balls, doors, plates, bowls, spoons, two of just about anything but there wasn't a "oh this is his thing". So finding a toy that can be a reward to entice Ty to comply with our requests is quite a challenge. If I'm honest, sitting here typing about it has got me a bit anxious - when I sit down to type a blog I never really know where it's gonna go. I start with an idea or things going on in my head. But once I start typing it all just kind of comes out. I delete most of it, ya'll would for sure send me away if all my thoughts made it here ha!

As I process all the information at these meetings, I go back and forth between, 'yeah I've got this and I can do that' to 'what in the world am I doing and why have I been trusted with something so important'. I know everyone has probably felt that way at some point and time in their life?! Right?! So I guess all of that to say, I think we have come a long way but we also have a long way to go.

update on life and super heroes

I really need to blog more... there is so much to tell yall! So a brief summary of the last 6 months. We moved! I have the same job, just different office. We live in an amazing school district for the boys. We have an awesome church family. We have new doctors, daycare, teachers and even made some new friends! The boys have transitioned really well into the new school. Ty challenged everyone for a while and I do mean REALLY challenged us all, but I think he is finally settling in.


He is really good at keeping his abilities a secret. Kind of like Clark Kent and Superman, Peter Parker and Spiderman, Bruce Wayne and Batman... you catch my drift! He never likes to show us what he can really do and every now and then you'll catch a glimpse of it. For example, I tried for months to get him to use his communication device to type his name. Look at your keyboard - the T and the Y are side by side. I couldn't have planned it better if I tried, his name is on any keyboard, in order, all he has to do is touch them. We went round and round, hand over hand, begging, bribing, pleading ... he just wouldn't do it. I started to wonder, "maybe he can't, maybe he's overwhelmed" self doubt poured in like an avalanche of emotions. Then one day as I was trying to get him to type "iPad" he looks me square in the face and types "TY" .... now fast forward, we are now working on sentences and most everything he says starts with "I want ....". It takes a lot of work to get him to communicate because he really does try his best to get what he wants with as little effort as possible. (typical 10 year old right?). So a lot of our conversations start off with him grunting and pointing and me pretending to not know what he wants and saying "use your talker Ty". I'm not gonna lie and say this was easy, because it wasn't - isn't. But it has shown me a whole new side of him. Last night we went out to eat and all during the meal we would ask him questions in an attempt to get him to use his talker to communicate. Do you like it? What are you drinking? etc ... It is typically met with some resistance but he did finally answer and answered quicker than before. So we are progressing. When we got in the truck he got really loud and wild acting (again typical 10 year old). He likes to mimic a dog barking when he gets really excited and he can get crazy loud with it - so as he is doing this his aunt B says " alright Ty we aren't doing that barking mess" Ty then types on his device "bet....bet.." I turn around and ask him "Ty did you just say 'bet' sarcastically??" He grins from ear to ear and nods his head. I couldn't help but laugh. We just sat at dinner attempting very basic conversation with him about what he is eating and drinking. I even did hand over hand to make him show us and then had him do it independently so that he would use his device. Then we get in our vehicle and without missing a beat he responds with sarcasm appropriately and quickly with a word that all the kids are using and that I don't even know how to find on his device?! So when I say he is kind of like a super hero that hides his abilities, this is why. Most comic books have the alter ego of the super hero to appear to be much weaker and appear to be the complete opposite of the hero hiding inside. There are times that the heroes abilities are accidentally revealed due to a dire situation and people are left in shock and wonder. They question themselves on what just happened look around and ask those around "did you just see that?". With Ty there are so many days and nights that I rack my brain and wonder, "am I pushing to hard, am I pushing enough, can he do it, is he just refusing, etc etc" and there are so many times that I say "did you see that?!" "did he just do what I think he did?!". Now I know being amazed by a 10 year old using sarcasm appropriately isn't exactly something all moms are proud of lol. But for me, it showed me that we are right. He does know, he is capable, he is funny, he is smart and apparently quick whited. And he can play just about anyone like a fiddle. He is currently surrounded by some amazing people, his teachers are phenomenal, we have friends and family who are pushing him to do his best and not just settle for the minimum and it makes a huge difference!


In my last post I talked about things I thought I'd miss out on - one of those was my boys playing sports together. Well Ty and Tripp have both been on the same football team this year! When I tell you that this community is amazing, it is an understatement. The people here are just awesome. They have taken us in and loved on us in so many ways, I don't think I could ever really explain what that means to me. Ty hasn't learned all the aspects of football and he doesn't play in every game. He is learning how to be a part of a team, how to listen to the coaches, how to follow instructions of someone other than just mom and teachers. He is learning team work and that no you don't get the ball every time ha! (ok, he is still working on that one). He did get on the field one night and I'm not gonna lie, I cried. I ran and hopped a fence so I could take pictures and videos and then I cried. He didn't do anything. He stood on the field. But that's not the point. It's baby steps and it's teaching him that if he wants to do something he can, he just has to practice and work for it. We have one more game and I really hate to see the season end. The boys have been so sweet. Tripp has really improved this year too. He is getting more aggressive on the field and he's gotten faster - he's still too big to be a running back (his dream spot) but he learned to love and embrace the job of 'center'. He gravitates to Ty on the sidelines and makes sure he gets his water and that he doesn't run on the field at the wrong time. Sometimes he acts like a grown man in a child's body when it comes to his brother. (which is good and bad - but that's a whole nother post for another day). So all that to say - I never thought I'd get to see my boys play sports together and they are. Another one of those times that God smacks you in the face and says ok Mandy I got this. James 1:6 tells us to believe and not doubt. How many times do we ask God for things, big or small and we don't really believe that He will do it. We just ask because that's what we are supposed to do. So I'm still learning, I will not pretend to get it all right, I mess up and fail on a daily basis. But I love those moments when He shows up and reminds me that He hears, He reminds me that not only did he hear my request, He answered it. No it wasn't my timing but it's not supposed to be.


I know I'm getting rather lengthy on this but I do have one more thing to update ya'll on. We have always wondered what else was going on with Ty. I know he has autism but there was just something else there and I couldn't put my finger on it. For years I asked doctors, therapists, teachers and no one could ever pin point what it was. Well his new teachers thought he showed signs of cerebral palsy. It all made sense as they explained it to me, I'm sure I probably looked like I was in a daze as they were talking because I was racking my brain to figure out how I missed this, how could I not see it before now? We made an apt with his new doc and sure enough she diagnosed him with CP. So what does that mean, well I'm not really sure, I'll have to get back to you on that. We will still continue what we are doing now, speech therapy, OT, behavior, etc. Just another day in the books :)


Well thanks for reading! I'm sorry it's been so long, I really will try and not take so long to blog. Ya'll have an awesome day! and if I start calling Ty 'Clark', you'll know it's not Griswold.

Pep talks....

So lately we have been having lots of pep talks. Every morning before school I sit with Ty as we wait for his bus and I tell him: Today I need you to have a good day, no throwing yourself on the floor, do your group work and individual work, use your device to communicate correctly-don't just push random buttons(bc he can use it correctly), listen to your teachers, stay in your seat on the bus, use the toilet not your pullup, don't wig out over doors... And the list goes on. During our pep talk Ty will shake his head yes and smile on most days. Sometimes he will look away or close his eyes and not want to "talk" about it and on the days when he is not nodding yes and he starts interrupting me and jabbering over me and closing his eyes, on those days I expect a note home on his defiance throughout the day. The days he is nodding yes I expect a good report. It doesn't always go that way, sometimes he switches things up on me and every day is a gamble. But today as I sat with him watching for his bus and having his pep talk I saw a video on Facebook. It was a mom talking about things she had hoped for with her nonverbal and severely autistic son. She said she came to a point where she realized things were not ok and not going to be ok. She came to a switching point of praying for quality of life for her son instead of hopes of him being a doctor or lawyer one day. My heart broke for her and still does. Tears were rolling down my face because she still has hope for her son but the reality of it all was that the things she wants to hope for are overshadowed by the things she has to hope for. I thought about Ty. There are so many things I hope for with him! I never thought that I'd be sitting and waiting for a bus discussing with my 10 year old about having a good day and that including: using the toilet, not getting distracted by doors, using a communication device to speak and completing his daily work (a lot of times work that is well below other kids his age, not because he isn't intelligent but because he hasn't shown them that he can do more), still talking to him about using a pencil to trace letters and hopefully one day write his name. I could go on all day with the things I never thought I'd still be teaching him and still hoping for. I expected to need to deal with things like no talking in class and focus on your study habits etc... things I tell Tripp every day.

I expected to put both my boys on the same bus and to hear them come home and fuss and talk and play together. I expected to over hear them talking about a girl they liked. I expected them to play sports together. I never expected Tripp to see his older brother as a little brother and someone he needs to help take care of. I never expected to have conversations with Tripp that involved him asking me if Ty would ever talk like we do. I never expected Tripp to come home and tell me that other kids ask him why his brother comes to school if he can't talk... And his response is priceless, he tells them just because he can't talk doesn't mean he can't learn. Don't get me wrong, I love that he has that perspective I just never thought it would be our life.

So we take one day at a time. I hope and pray that something will click. That he will thrive and show us all what's going on in that head of his. Until then I will continue to have pep talks, and I will continue to have hope for him to continue to grow and learn and I will hold onto our little victories. I'll hold onto the things I never thought we would have in our lives and I'll do my best to see the good in it all. To see how the challenges Ty and Tripp face each day will make them strong, compassionate, determined men one day. I'm sure I will fail and lose sight from time to time but I pray that I will be strong enough to see the good too, one pep talk at a time.

Defiance and a win

Ty has been extremely defiant lately. His main tactic is to close his eyes and fall asleep. It's one thing he has control over and he uses it to get out of just about anything he doesn't want to do. I had a hard time with this at first and I wondered if he was really struggling with staying awake or if he was just being defiant and making himself go to sleep. It took a while for me to figure out, but eventually I found out that as long as we are doing what he wanted to do he could stay up and be WIDE awake and even hyper. The minute something was required of him, a task at school or putting on shoes etc he would act as if he was incapable of doing what was asked and then slowly start to nod off. I started trying to do everything I could to keep him awake. Some days were more successful than others. Some days I didn't fight it as hard because, honestly it was exhausting. But once I realized that he was choosing this, choosing to be defiant I had to step back and be reminded "what would I do if Tripp did this?" The answer was easy ... so with that in mind the game changed. Did I mess up. Yes. Did I give up some days, yes. Did i fail at times, yes.
But today was a good day. Today something happened that showed me he really was just choosing to be defiant and make himself sleepy. Today verified any doubts i had in myself or his ability. I have talked and disciplined until I was blue in the face. I have prayed. I have wondered if anything is getting through. As he waited for the bus this morning we had another talk and I told him that he HAD to have a good day and that he HAD to stay awake. When I picked him up from daycare he was kind of hyper. I checked his notebook, like I do every day and his note said he had a great day! We got home and he did his homework without a fight! After talking to his teacher and her verifying that he HAD a great day, I talked to him and told him how proud I was of him and how this is how he needed to be everyday. He was smiling and some kind of proud of himself. So it's the small things. Big battles. Long battles. Tears and absolute crazy days that turn into insane weeks. But the small things add up. So today was a good day. Consistency is our biggest fight. I have to be consistent and so does everyone else because the smallest of things can make a huge difference when it comes to a very stubborn strong willed child.

I never thought we would be where we are today. When Ty was first diagnosed I remember reading books and blogs and anything I could find. Watching videos of kids like Ty and seeing how far they had come. I remember reading about how a mom never thought she would still be potty training her 8 year old. And I remember thinking, no he will be potty trained by then. He will be talking by then. He will be doing etc etc the list goes on. But here we are. Still learning our way in this crazy journey. Still learning to communicate and learning to dress himself and potty train and eat without a huge mess and keep our shoes on and brush our teeth independently and to not wonder off and not go limp on the floor when we don't get our way. A 9 year old going limp, even if he is only 58.6lbs, is not as easy to pick up or remove from a situation as a 2 year old. When they are 2 you just scoop them up and you have a clear physical advantage, not so much as a long lanky 9 year old. It also looks like you're kidnapping them when they scream and flop around and they are half your size lol like a joking skinny flopping octopus. Give it a try. Now we don't have to fight that as much anymore, it's rare for him to lay down and roll around challenging me to wrestle him out the door of whatever establishment we are in when he chooses he doesn't wanna go. But that's where that consistency comes in. And a wooden spoon. Lol.

The smallest of things can change the course in a good or bad direction. So after a week of battles I'll take a win. Even a small one and pray for another tomorrow. Here's to another good day and all the days it takes to get there.

failure...pure joy...

There are a lot of days that a lot of parents feel like failures... I know I'm not the only one. Lots of moms and dads on a regular basis don't feel like they measure up. You know those days when nothing goes right. You've been up all night for various reasons and then your child or children decide to lose their minds...yeah those days. For the life of you, you try to see the good, you try to keep your stuff together ... you end up doing and saying things you regret but at the same time you try hard to show them rules and structure and pray that all you do now will help them respect authority as adults so that when they grow up you aren't bailing them out of jail ... yeah I know that's extreme ... but really ... just go with me here....


Yesterday was one of those days. I won't even begin to describe the madness. Basically it boils down to disobedience, defiance, stubbornness and no matter what form of punishment that was given, to my non-verbal 9 year old, phased him at all. And I mean at all. Didn't matter what I did. He was right back at it. Time-out, spanking, talking, removing toys, changing his entire bedroom and our house for that matter (for his safety because he decided it was ok to jump off of the top bunk... he's never done this before). He could scream and stomp his feet in time out and then stop on a dime and smile and "talk" and get up as soon as I started moving some piece of furniture or had my back turned. He would just get up and do what he wanted and come show me that he was doing what he wanted. Over and over and over we did this. We went round and round all day and all night the night before. Exhausted doesn't even begin to describe how I felt and how I feel today. Failure... yeah that describes how I feel. How can we go from being on track and obeying and getting somewhere, to this? How can it all just be thrown out of the window in an instant? We didn't do anything out of the ordinary. But here we were 30+ hours of mass chaos... my 8 year old doing his best to help me move beds and furniture and then reorganize the house to be back in some type of order so we could function.  We got their bedrooms in order. The bunk beds are now in Tripp's room. Ty has a bed in his room that doesn't have any height to it and I'm debating on removing the dresser that's in there incase he gets some wild idea to climb on it in the middle of the night. Seriously?! What in the world!?


That's not the only thing that makes me feel like a failure. I fail because I don't remain calm. I fail because I don't always show them grace. I fail because I'm not able to understand what he is so desperately trying to tell me. I fail because his little brother is confused and worried and wants to help fix the problem and I don't know how to fix it myself so how in the world can I tell him how to fix it? I fail because of so many things. I could go on and on in a lot of other areas of life but I will stop here.


We went to church last night, missed the AM service for obvious reasons ... and guess what the sermon was on? James... yup book of James. If you don't know me, it's my favorite book of the Bible. In college I attempted to memorize the entire book. I only got to the first chapter. I can recite it word for word (just the first chapter) and it is my life book... chapter 1 verses 2-4 "consider it pure joy my brothers when you face trials of any kind for the testing of your faith develops perseverance and perseverance must finish it's work in you so that you are mature and complete not lacking anything" it goes on to say that we should ask God who gives generously to those who ask and not doubt because he who doubts is like a wave in the sea blown and tossed by the wind that man is a double minded man and unstable in all he does. (some of that may be paraphrased???).


During all of the madness that ensued Saturday night and Sunday morning I prayed .. I prayed and I prayed. It was still chaos. ( I won't even go fully into what those conversations looked like between me and God, did I doubt? am I double minded? give me something ) So that leads me to consider it pure joy?! pure joy.... how is that even possible? I know I didn't get into everything that makes me feel like a failure... we would be here all day and ya'll would probably think I'd lost my mind!?


I know we aren't being persecuted by people for our religion, no one is threatening my life because I believe in Jesus as they do in other countries. No one is holding a gun to my head asking me to renounce Jesus or die - that's persecution, that's trials!? So that sends me to think that I have no right to have any of these feelings at all anyway?! Right? ... who am I to feel this way? Who am I to think I have a right to good nights sleep? (There are people scared to death in other countries because they own a bible and it's in their home. There are people wondering where their next meal will come from or if they will even be able to feed themselves or their family?) Isn't that just selfishness to be furious over a good night of sleep? Who am I to think my day was so terrible because of a disobedient child? (I'm not saying I have it all together and I'm not even saying this realization has fixed my opinion of yesterday... I'm just saying) Do we even have a right to be upset about these things? If I can't handle a little mass chaos in a free country and a "rich" country at that, do I even know what James was talking about? Trials... real ones.. not just minor 1st world problems ... I don't know ... just my thoughts ... just me thinking out loud in a way ... I hope all this makes sense... I don't know, it may not ... trials, failure = pure joy .... because they develop patience and perseverance, right? Something to think about I guess...