a little background

hi, my name is mandy and I have two amazing little boys. My oldest son, Ty, has been diagnosed with autism (which is what you will read most about in this blog); I also have Tripp, who is an amazing little brother to Ty (who you will also hear alot about). I was encouraged to start this blog to document our journey through life and life with autism... my world has been rocked in last few years and i have responded in good ways and bad ... but Jesus has gotten me through all of it...





i hope i can be an encouragement to you, and for the friends and family that will read this - maybe this will keep you posted indepth on what Ty is learning! :) and the adventures of Tripp too





thank you for reading, and if you have any questions, comments or smart remarks; feel free to post them.



Monday, August 7, 2017

failure...pure joy...

There are a lot of days that a lot of parents feel like failures... I know I'm not the only one. Lots of moms and dads on a regular basis don't feel like they measure up. You know those days when nothing goes right. You've been up all night for various reasons and then your child or children decide to lose their minds...yeah those days. For the life of you, you try to see the good, you try to keep your stuff together ... you end up doing and saying things you regret but at the same time you try hard to show them rules and structure and pray that all you do now will help them respect authority as adults so that when they grow up you aren't bailing them out of jail ... yeah I know that's extreme ... but really ... just go with me here....


Yesterday was one of those days. I won't even begin to describe the madness. Basically it boils down to disobedience, defiance, stubbornness and no matter what form of punishment that was given, to my non-verbal 9 year old, phased him at all. And I mean at all. Didn't matter what I did. He was right back at it. Time-out, spanking, talking, removing toys, changing his entire bedroom and our house for that matter (for his safety because he decided it was ok to jump off of the top bunk... he's never done this before). He could scream and stomp his feet in time out and then stop on a dime and smile and "talk" and get up as soon as I started moving some piece of furniture or had my back turned. He would just get up and do what he wanted and come show me that he was doing what he wanted. Over and over and over we did this. We went round and round all day and all night the night before. Exhausted doesn't even begin to describe how I felt and how I feel today. Failure... yeah that describes how I feel. How can we go from being on track and obeying and getting somewhere, to this? How can it all just be thrown out of the window in an instant? We didn't do anything out of the ordinary. But here we were 30+ hours of mass chaos... my 8 year old doing his best to help me move beds and furniture and then reorganize the house to be back in some type of order so we could function.  We got their bedrooms in order. The bunk beds are now in Tripp's room. Ty has a bed in his room that doesn't have any height to it and I'm debating on removing the dresser that's in there incase he gets some wild idea to climb on it in the middle of the night. Seriously?! What in the world!?


That's not the only thing that makes me feel like a failure. I fail because I don't remain calm. I fail because I don't always show them grace. I fail because I'm not able to understand what he is so desperately trying to tell me. I fail because his little brother is confused and worried and wants to help fix the problem and I don't know how to fix it myself so how in the world can I tell him how to fix it? I fail because of so many things. I could go on and on in a lot of other areas of life but I will stop here.


We went to church last night, missed the AM service for obvious reasons ... and guess what the sermon was on? James... yup book of James. If you don't know me, it's my favorite book of the Bible. In college I attempted to memorize the entire book. I only got to the first chapter. I can recite it word for word (just the first chapter) and it is my life book... chapter 1 verses 2-4 "consider it pure joy my brothers when you face trials of any kind for the testing of your faith develops perseverance and perseverance must finish it's work in you so that you are mature and complete not lacking anything" it goes on to say that we should ask God who gives generously to those who ask and not doubt because he who doubts is like a wave in the sea blown and tossed by the wind that man is a double minded man and unstable in all he does. (some of that may be paraphrased???).


During all of the madness that ensued Saturday night and Sunday morning I prayed .. I prayed and I prayed. It was still chaos. ( I won't even go fully into what those conversations looked like between me and God, did I doubt? am I double minded? give me something ) So that leads me to consider it pure joy?! pure joy.... how is that even possible? I know I didn't get into everything that makes me feel like a failure... we would be here all day and ya'll would probably think I'd lost my mind!?


I know we aren't being persecuted by people for our religion, no one is threatening my life because I believe in Jesus as they do in other countries. No one is holding a gun to my head asking me to renounce Jesus or die - that's persecution, that's trials!? So that sends me to think that I have no right to have any of these feelings at all anyway?! Right? ... who am I to feel this way? Who am I to think I have a right to good nights sleep? (There are people scared to death in other countries because they own a bible and it's in their home. There are people wondering where their next meal will come from or if they will even be able to feed themselves or their family?) Isn't that just selfishness to be furious over a good night of sleep? Who am I to think my day was so terrible because of a disobedient child? (I'm not saying I have it all together and I'm not even saying this realization has fixed my opinion of yesterday... I'm just saying) Do we even have a right to be upset about these things? If I can't handle a little mass chaos in a free country and a "rich" country at that, do I even know what James was talking about? Trials... real ones.. not just minor 1st world problems ... I don't know ... just my thoughts ... just me thinking out loud in a way ... I hope all this makes sense... I don't know, it may not ... trials, failure = pure joy .... because they develop patience and perseverance, right? Something to think about I guess...

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

dirty laundry

We all have it right? Loads and loads and loads of it... it never ends... from the real laundry (the actual clothes we wear and wash and wash and wash) to the life laundry... you know what I'm talking about. Carrie Underwood sings it best. Dirty laundry. The stuff all the Ajax in the world can't wash off. I've debated and debated on what to type and when to type and how to type. I've prayed and wrestled within myself because I don't like drama and I don't want to do or say anything that will one day hurt my boys. But I'm fed up. I'm tired of being drug through the mud and I'm tired of my boys not being treated like they should be. I'm tired of arguments and morals being thrown out the window by people who claim to be upstanding Christians and have the reputation of that as well.


I am not perfect. Let me just be flat out honest right here and now. I've messed up, I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of and wish I could forget. I'm sure we all have. The one thing I refuse to mess up is being a good mom. Divorce throws a curve ball into the mom life. I grew up in a divorced family and that's all I ever knew. My parents didn't get along and we all knew it. I love my parents and I'm not here to bash them so please don't take it like that, but just showing you where I'm at. I didn't want that life for my boys. I didn't want the confusion and chaos that comes with divorce and the fights that go along with it. I want my boys to know they are loved and taken care of by everyone in their life. I don't want them feeling like they are stuck in the middle of a mom and dad who can't get along and now add in a new girlfriend for dad to the mix and things really get exciting! I guess I just really expected things to be smooth. I expected communication and for the morals we instilled in our family to continue regardless of how our marriage ended. I expected those conversations of how we would do things to stick. How we were going to respect each other and communicate. Give each other a heads up on new relationships and ease the boys into changes etc. How there wouldn't be any over night visits with the boys present of a significant other on either side.  We discussed being on the same page with doctor visits, therapies and structure for Ty especially. Backing each other up on disciplinary actions that needed to be taken and just basically being good "co-parents" because that's where we are.  Apparently that's not the case. I'm not here to bash my ex. Like I said in a previous post, life is messy. Sometimes you end up covered in dirt by your own choices, other times you're covered in dirt because of the words or choices of others and then there are times when you choose whole heartedly to be covered in dirt to help a friend. I've been on all sides of the messiness of life. I've also been lucky enough to have people in my life at different times get covered in my mess. Right now, life is a mess. Every single corner of my life is an absolute mess. Mainly because so much has changed in such a short period of time and there is just constant change for the boys which comes with questions and explanations.  It is extra hard when one of my boys can talk freely and ask questions and the other can't. They both have had their times of acting out because of all the change and I can talk all day long to both of them but only one can openly communicate back to me what is going on in that little mind of his. Oh how I wish I could just spend one day inside Ty's head and find out what he is so desperately trying to tell us. He has come a long way. I have come a long way. All kids need structure, but Ty needs it more than his brother. He is able to thrive and do so much more when he has consistent expectations and boundaries placed on him. I have learned a lot in the last 9 years, more than I ever thought I would learn by becoming a mom, because he has taught me how life isn't exactly what we think it is. He can express himself with grunts, facial expressions, head nods, laughs, giggles, screams, gestures and oh how he can manipulate a room. I've never seen a child so good at getting what he wants from complete strangers without ever saying a word. That skill, also has to be reigned in A LOT. Consistency in my actions and those in authority around him is the only way to accomplish that. It's hard but it works IF everyone is on the same page. So back to what I started with. Dirty laundry and life being a mess. I want nothing but the best for my boys. However, I also expect the best from them and I expect their father to have those same expectations.


Recently I have been accused of keeping our boys from their dad. I will tell you this. I have not once told them they couldn't call their dad, if they ask to call, they call, even when they don't ask I suggest it. Tripp has even asked to go see him at the FD before and I took him by there. Now that might not be every single day but it is on a regular basis that they talk to him. Our papers say he gets them 2 weekends a month during school. I have offered him every other weekend so that he could have more time, but I am told he would rather just keep to choosing 2 weekends a month. I inform him of practices and ballgames, picture days and field trips, etc etc. I even made sure this summer, when he chose his two 2 week blocks for visitation to let him know that he was short a day each time and that he didn't choose fathers day weekend. I was told that this was what worked for his schedule. Now that summer is coming to an end I have offered him the first weekend in August along with the third weekend. The first weekend doesn't work and he wants them this weekend and asked for them last weekend (still my summer break with them) so my answer was no. I sent receipts as normal for medication and the shoes bought for the boys for school and was told that the shoes are not school supplies and he won't be paying for them. Now mind you I bought them on sale buy one get one half off and didn't get the pricey high dollar shoes so we aren't talking a lot of money. I was also told that I was not allowing him to speak to the boys because I don't answer every time he calls and all I want is money. We are busy and on a schedule at my house, so if the boys don't ask to call then  I'm not going to force it on them daily and I'm not going to jump every time his name pops up and I understand that when they are with him he doesn't have to jump or stop what he's doing when I call. But I can assure you they are not denied or kept from communication with him, we are just busy.  I am accused of using the boys when that is not the case at all. We are just doing life. When I don't do everything just how he wants it and give him the schedule he wants for visitation then he holds out on things he is willing to pay for. He pays his child support on time and has been good about that. He does love our boys. But when it comes to extra, depending on what mood he is in - it's met with "what's in the papers" "not my problem" "child support covers it". Then times like last year, I sent a receipt for shoes at the beginning of school and he paid his half without a problem. I don't expect him to pay extra for everything I buy the boys. I do expect him to want to help out with extra things like new shoes for school (I know it seems petty and it is but it's just a small example of the real problem). I expect him to ask about the boys even if they don't call. Instead of being pissed that they didn't call and I expect the same thing from myself. They don't have to call me every night they are with him and when I don't hear from them I will send a text and check in. I expect him to want to see our kids the first chance he gets and to be involved in their lives, like showing up for practices just to watch and planning his weekends around our boys and not himself. I have begged for communication and tried to be reasonable even when the boys come from his house with behavior problems and fidget spinners with marijuana leaves on it. Ty is allowed to just chew on whatever he wants so he had a sore in the corner of his mouth that took me a week to treat with prescription ointment to get rid of, along with a slew of defiant behaviors that we had under control before he left. The thing that bothers me the most is the lack of communication and respect. It tells me he doesn't respect our boys. Shoes aren't on the school supply list so he's not helping. When he has in the past. When confronted about taking our kids to his girlfriends house to spend the night, I'm told I'm over reacting and when we had the conversation about not doing that, they had only been dating for 2 weeks?! (since we are 7 months in now then everything is out the window?!) The only reason I met her so soon was because she was introduced to my boys on Christmas day (2 weeks into it) and my then 7 year old told me over the phone, there was no conversation with their dad ahead of time out of respect to let me know so that we could sit down with the boys and let them know what was about to happen like we discussed we would.  Instead it was a meeting after the fact that I requested and they agreed to, that I thought went well. Now that she's hung in there through the ex wife and family and kids and his prince charming persona I'm supposed to just be ok with throwing morals out the window. I mean our preacher, at that time, is the one that introduced them, the one who knew all the things that went on between their dad and I and the one that knew we were still trying to attend the same church and figure out co-parenting.  Matter of fact, when I found out he introduced them I went to talk to him and let him know that me and the boys would not be back. His response was, "Well, Mandy, we didn't know how that was gonna work out anyhow" as he shrugged his shoulders. I was dumbfounded that my boys were not thought of and now, when my 8 year old asks me why daddy has a closet full of clothes at his girlfriends house, I'm supposed to still put a positive spin on it? I know that not everyone thinks this is a problem and it doesn't have to be. I would like nothing more than to get a long. I pray daily that we will be able to have a healthy relationship one day. I want my boys to look up to their dad. I want them to respect everyone in their life. I want to have a good relationship with both their dad and his girlfriend, because if he marries her, I want there to be communication on both sides and most of all, trust. When our boys aren't thought of and when things are done that both of us have agreed not to do then it brings out the protector in me. It breaks any trust that was there, no, it shatters it. It just makes me think that he cares more about his job and image and his money than he does his kids. If someone knew all these things, maybe he would change his ways. Maybe he would start genuinely caring more about doing what's best for our boys and less about trying to get revenge or making me look bad. I understand that this is airing my laundry for all to see... I understand that it will come across to some as bashing. My intent is to vent. To pour out my heart and just say, this is where we are .... I'm just done. I'm done with the world thinking he is being denied his rights when he is the one who has refused what was offered. I signed the visitation papers he drew up. The ones I drew up gave him more time. I'm not the monster he claims I am. I'm not perfect. I don't expect him to be perfect. I just want him to be a good dad. To respect each other and stop threatening not to pay something or to quit a job so that child support will drop etc. Just be a good dad, be a good co-parent.  I'm sure there will be people who don't like this but my boys deserve to be heard and it's not about me and it certainly isn't about a failed marriage. It's about raising two little boys to be respectful, contributing citizens in a world that isn't conducive for such morals and a world that doesn't abide by The Word of God.  They deserve to be treated with respect. If this in any way helps someone else or my boys then it's served its purpose.

Monday, May 15, 2017

Consistency, life and rollercoasters

Where do I begin? This school year is quickly coming to an end and it's been one heck of a year. To describe it as an emotional rollercoaster would be an understatement. So much has gone on in so many different areas. So many things the boys have had to learn to adjust to and so many things that I have had to adjust to as well. Navigating this life as a single mom and all the dynamics that come with that and learning to "co-parent", creates quite a whirlwind of emotions and a change of who you are whether you want it to or not. Ty and Tripp have experienced a lot this year and have been on their own life rollercoaster. I think about last summer when we went to Dollywood and how Ty was begging to ride all the rides, full of excitement and anticipation as we waited in lines and even impatience. Once he got strapped in and ready to ride he would giggle and laugh as we slowly moved up to the top for the big drop and then it was mass chaos ... as we made the turns and loops and drops and spins his expressions would change every second, happy, scared, smiles, laughs, squeals and unsure half laughs ... and as we rolled up to the end and it was time to get off the ride he was mad! Not because he didn't like the ride but because he wanted to do it again. Tripp was a different story, he wanted to ride but was scared from the start. He just wasn't sure about it AT ALL, but even being unsure he still wanted to give it a try. I offered to sit out with him while others rode but he said "no momma, I wanna try it". He was much more fearful of the whole process and during the ride he was really quiet and kept his eyes closed a lot ha! Reminded me of how I was when I first decided I'd ride a rollercoaster. He was white knuckled and tense but he was riding and hanging on for the experience. When we got off, he laughed and giggled and talked about how awesome it was and that he wanted to do it again! It reminds me a lot of how our life has been this year and especially the last few months ... we have been strapped in to this rollercoaster and at times it's fun and exciting and even an adrenaline rush. But other times it's scary and all we can do is hold on tight (white knuckles), close our eyes and endure the flips, turns, loops and drops and see what's waiting on the other side.


Ty has made a lot of improvements this year. His potty training has come a long way! This is good and bad because now he uses it to get out of situations or to manipulate those around him. He is so very smart and knows how to get what he wants when he wants it. So we have been working on not lying about needing to use the bathroom and being consistent in asking to go and then actually using the potty once he asks, it's a process ha but we are getting there. At home he has been following directions really well and completing household chores and we have even been out shopping without the stroller! This is a huge step in my book, to be able to be out and about and him hold my hand or hold on to the buggy without throwing major fits or having to be picked up and not attempting to run off as often. Now I still hold his hand really tight and we still have to have lots of talks throughout the shopping trip about staying close and not touching everything and not trying to pull away etc. But all in all this is a huge improvement to not have to be pushed or strapped in a stroller! Ty has also been feeding himself more without over stuffing! There are times when he will still put too much in his mouth but as a whole he has done a lot better with finger foods and using utensils too! He's doing pretty good on drinking out of cups; straws are definitely the easiest for us to use while eating. He doesn't backwash as much and cups with lids and straws help us not spill things as much too. He is still tongue pressing when he chews his food and only uses his teeth to bite something off and from there its like he basically just squishes whatever it is with his tongue until it can be pushed to the back of his throat or be washed down with a drink or softer food like apple sauce if that makes sense? His interests have grown this year too, he really enjoyed watching Tripp play baseball and would clap and laugh and get excited throughout the game instead of just playing with toys or not caring what was going on, he really did watch and focus and get involved as a spectator! He did pretty good with his miracle league baseball games this year too, he hit the ball off the tee independently but running the bases and fielding the ball is still a work in progress. He would rather just run around the field and then play with the bats and balls in the dugout. He has struggled at school a good bit this year. He has shown a lot of avoidance behaviors; if there is something he doesn't want to participate in he will just go to sleep or attempt to go to sleep and put his head down on the desk. He will also just refuse to do his work some days, closing his eyes and still looking in the teachers direction but not responding to instructions. He has typed on the iPad for his behavioralist but it is very challenging and takes him a while to complete words and sentences depending on what is going on but when he does type and when he does express himself in this way he has so much to say! He spells fairly large words correctly and has lots of opinions! This is so exciting that he is showing that he is capable but also challenging, because of his stubbornness, to get him to do it consistently. He still isn't writing his name on paper yet and will just scribble. I think some of that is just laziness and avoidance behaviors again but scribbling is better than nothing, however, I don't want him to use scribbling as a way to get out of work or as a way to just avoid what he's being asked to do. He is being pushed and challenged this year and I am so glad that others have been able to see what I have known he was capable of this whole time! There are times as a momma of a "non-verbal" child with autism that you doubt yourself, you wonder "Am I pushing him to much?" "Is it too hard?" "Does he really understand?" "Is it the sensory side that is holding him back?" "Is there something I'm missing?" "Is there something physically stopping him?" "Is it just his stubbornness?" I could go on an on and on with questions. But knowing that he has typed and communicated and done so in such a complex way shows me that those doubts are just that, doubts. He can do it and he just needs us to keep pushing him, to keep believing in him and to keep challenging him daily! If I'm honest, that can get tiring but it's what we have to do. I have to keep pushing him in every aspect so that he knows and he can see that there are expectations. It makes for a lot of discipline and a lot of structure. From the outside looking in it can appear to be too much and it can appear that I am keeping him from people, situations or just having fun. The only way I know how to explain it is to compare it to a kid playing with fire. We don't let kids play with fire because it will hurt them and can hurt others or cause mass destruction. In the same way I have to be strict across the board in every aspect of our daily lives with Ty because if I'm not then it can cause destruction on everything we have built to this point. It might seem like sitting in a chair to watch a ball game and not let him run and play and have free roam of a ball park is mean or that I am keeping him from having fun. When in actuality I am teaching him how to be a spectator and cheer for his brother. I am teaching him that there is a time to play and a time to watch. There are times for everything. He has lots of freedoms but I can't just let him have complete run of everything. I've tried that, it creates regression in every area of his life and it effects his school and learning environments the most. When he has structure across the board and has expectations on him across the board he is calmer, he is happier, he is healthier because he knows his boundaries. It gives him security. Even when he tests his boundaries and he pushes the limits, there is security in him knowing what is expected and what is allowed.  Just like you and I, we know our boundaries and so we are able to function in society without affecting others or getting in trouble because we know the rules and we know the consequences when those rules aren't followed. In the long run I have to look at the big picture, five or ten years down the road will it be acceptable? Whatever "it" is? It does take time for Ty to learn his limits so if I start now and if I am consistent now ... it will make him a better man in the future. It will help him learn to function in this crazy world as he grows into the man he is going to be. So when I struggle with the day to day... I just keep thinking and am often reminded by my friends, it's not about the right now... it's about who I am raising him to be. So don't give up mommas, even when it seems like it's too much or that everyone is against you ... that everyone has something to say ... don't quit. You are raising men and women and teaching them to love and obey so that they will be the amazing people God has planned for them to be. He has plans for us all and He has plans for my two boys, I can't wait to see what He has in store for us!


This life may seem like we are on one insane rollercoaster, there will be times when we just need to close our eyes and hold on tight, times when we laugh and squeal, times when we just scream at the top of our lungs and then there will be those times as we roll in at the end and think to ourselves ..."that was fun, let's do it again!"




I know that was a lot and it was all kind of jumping from one thing to another so thanks for hanging in there ... and for keeping up with us! love yall and thanks for reading!

Monday, March 6, 2017

He takes care of all the details ...

After Christmas the boys and I started looking for a new church to attend. I will always have a place in my heart for our old church and a lot of the people there but it was time for us to move on. Looking for a new church family can be overwhelming. I wanted to find a place to worship that was also a place where I could serve and a place where the boys would grow and learn and be loved.
We visited two churches: the first one we visited was a smaller church, we went on a Wednesday night and they did Wednesday night suppers (something Tripp knew as a staple for church ha) and then had a small bible study with everyone in the same room. Everyone was very sweet, they came and spoke to me and my friend that went with me and both the boys. Come to find out, the preacher had a son with autism and they were currently looking for a youth minister. When I left there I thought to myself, ok God I hear you. (I've always loved being a part of youth ministry in some way or another and that grew into my love for college kids as all my youth grew up!)
The second church we visited with another friend of mine on a
Sunday morning, again I was nervous/anxious/etc. When I took the boys to their classes, Ty's teacher was a special education teacher at one of the public schools and was excited to have him, she told me he would be fine and she would come get me if she needed me but insisted that he was just fine. During the service they announced about an upcoming mission trip to Honduras, I got a swift elbow in the side from my friend. Then as we were leaving the preacher and his wife were talking about starting a praise band and that they were looking for a set of drums. We came back that night and when I took the boys to their classes again not knowing who Ty's teacher would be and feeling anxious about it all. His teacher was another special education teacher at one of the public schools. When we left and got home I was kind of blown away. All the things I worried about and wanted to be a part of were laid in front of me on my first visit. I love Africa and Honduras and they just happened to be planning a trip. Ty's teachers were both basically trained, willing and ready to have him in their classes. Tripp has enjoyed every minute of the classes, music and preaching (Both of the boys have always loved church and I'm so glad they feel so at home). I love being a part of a praise band and that was one of the main things that I missed and that I wanted to be apart of some kind of bad.  I am very much a beginner when it comes to drums and bass guitar but they have allowed me to plug right in and now I'm playing bass with the praise band. It's almost as if God was saying, ok Mandy, would you like to try another one? It doesn't matter where you go, I will use you. I will provide for you and give you the desires of your heart and your boys will be loved and cared for. One of the first times I played on a Sunday morning the boys were sitting in the front pew right by me (incase Ty was gonna make a run for it I could grab him or get to him even though I was playing). Well as soon as he stood up and I shook my head and told him to sit down, one of the college kids jumped up and came and sat with him. I am still learning all the faces and names and don't know everyone's story. But just from the little bit we have been there I can see their hearts and I can feel God's love through them. It really is an amazing thing, the way God leads you and puts people and places in your life to show you that He cares about the tiniest of details. He cares that I wanted to be a part of band. That I wanted my boys to be loved. That I was worried on how Ty would fit in to a new church. He pours out His love to us in so many ways. I know I only went to two new churches and we have stuck with the second one. But I know that no matter where I go He already has plans for me ... it really just blows me away. I could go on and on with small/tiny details that matter and how He continues to show up.


School has been a little hectic since we returned from Christmas break. Apparently both the boys lost their minds for a little while and I have had to really reign them back in and take some drastic measures. In all of that Ty has started typing on an iPad some... but his behavior in the classroom has not been very good. He has acted out and reverted back to a lot of behaviors that we haven't seen in a long time. Tantrums, defiance, running away from therapists and teachers, attempting to hurt others or himself and then just non compliance in general. We are slowly getting back on track and I am hoping in the next few weeks he will be back to his normal self. I'm really hoping he will start to type more and communicate in that way on a regular basis. He is very stubborn (I don't know why?!) and he likes to do things in his own time and how he wants to do it. I'm praying we see some improvement ... I'm praying he will begin to show us all what I already know he can do! And then blow us all out of the water with more! He is so smart and that is a double edge sword because he also knows how to weasel his way out of things. This year has been a trying one but it has also been a learning one! I have not kept it all together and I have probably had more bad days than good. But I am still here and we are still trucking along, so that means something! So here's to the rest of 2017 and what God has in store for us!


I'm also going to try and blog more, I know I have been slacking ... baseball season is upon us so adorable pics to come of my sweet fellas! Thanks for reading! love yall!

Thursday, November 17, 2016

impact

From the time I found out I was pregnant with Ty I prayed for him. I prayed daily that God would use him in a big way to impact others around him. I specifically prayed for Him to give Ty a passion for Jesus like no other. I still pray that and once Tripp arrived I began those same prayers for him.


Last night at church me and Ty were walking in the sanctuary. Once we got through the swinging door (this can be a process at times) Ty ran over and sat next to one of the younger youth boys. He just squeezed himself between him and the end of the pew, the young man had to scoot over a little so Ty would fit but he didn't go far and welcomed Ty and all his excitement. I laughed and told Ty to come on. The young man smiled real big and started talking to Ty, asked him for a high five and just started giggling at the things Ty was doing and Ty was laughing with him. Then Ty stops, looks up at me and says "Bye...Bye .... bye" lol. Like I was gonna leave him with a 12 year old and trust he wouldn't start hopping pews and running around the church?! We sat and chatted a few minutes with the young man and then went on to get his normal seat with an adult while I played in the band. As I walked away my heart began to smile. There are so many kids and teenagers in this world that show love. They show love to everyone no matter their differences. Yes our church is small and most everyone knows Ty and all his tactics but some could still shy away from conversations with him and some do. But those moments when young kids and youth intentionally create conversation and interactions with others who may not act or communicate in a "normal" fashion, those moments warm my soul. After worship we went to music for the kids and then to RA's. Ty and I ran up the stairs with the rest of the wild and rowdy boys (Tripp among them). We get settled in our seats and Ty starts chattering and trying to talk to everyone in the room, some smile big, some look away, some laugh and encourage his silliness. But there was one little guy (I say little I think he's a 4th grader?!) started talking to Ty. He asked him if he wanted a book, then a pen or pencil and a roll of tape.  He grabbed different things and kept sitting them in front of Ty so he would have stuff to play with. Ty would get excited and nod his head "yes" to each question. The little boy asked Ty how his day was, looked him in the eye and listened to Ty "talk" in his own language nodding along and being so attentive. When class was over Ty got mad because he wanted to leave and play with the door immediately and this same young man came up to Ty to reassure him and comfort him, he asked what was wrong and when I told him why he was upset, he told Ty "it's ok we're gonna all go out and play" and then stood with him. My heart was full again with the love that this kid poured out. The compassion and love in simple acts of kindness and interaction were huge! In less than an hour two young boys showed more love and compassion and kindness than a lot of adults know how to do.


There's so much going on in our world and there's a lot of hate running around in so many forms, it was good for my soul to see so much good in one night. To see kids and young teenagers show love to others and not just because it was Ty?! I think no matter who would have come and sat down and squeezed themselves in that pew would have been welcomed - it impacted me because it was Ty and because I struggle with him communicating and being welcomed by others. At times I judge and get mad and upset over situations where I think Ty was left out, overlooked, shunned, mistreated, on and on and on (I have amazing friends that set me straight when I can't see it) ... Sometimes those reactions are warranted and others are probably just me overreacting or expecting something from someone who hasn't been taught how to treat others or how to communicate and include those that are a little different. Sometimes I am on edge and don't really give folks a chance and I see their stares and assume the worst - I know an 8 year old in a stroller who is "talking" his own language or making strange noises isn't the norm and when he attracts attention by being loud or mad or happy - there are times I don't give folks the benefit of the doubt that they aren't just staring to be mean... there are times that those looks are meant to be hurtful ... but for the most part it is probably just curiosity and I know I need to work on that on my end. But these two boys last night really made my night. It might not have been a big deal to them or to Ty but it was a big deal to me. It showed me their hearts and that there are so many kindhearted, loving and just good people everywhere we go. Something God apparently knew I needed to see.


I told you at the beginning of this how I have always prayed for God to use Ty since he was in the womb. Last night I was talking with one of my favorite teenagers, who's a senior this year. She was telling me all about college and what she wanted to do and her big picture plan for her life. In part of her explanation of  why she chose her major she said "I wanna work with kids like Ty". There have been a handful of former youth, college students and kids that we have crossed paths with in the past 8 years that have gone on to pursue degrees in areas of special education, OT, PT, SLP, etc. That have come back and said "I wanted to work with kids like Ty" ... I know he is not the soul reason they chose their path and that there are lots of factors. They have amazing parents that have raised them and helped in their decision making process and groomed them into the amazing young men and women that they are today. But when I hear "I wanna work with kids like Ty" it makes me smile. It shows me his impact and how God is using him in a huge way, even when I don't see it.


I know this was kind of all over the place and just some random stories but these are the things that show me how God loves. They show me that He answers prayers and that He is using us to impact those around us even in the little things.

Thursday, September 8, 2016

The ugly truth ...

  Life is crazy. There are times that we think we have it all planned out and know where we will be in the next 10 years. We lay out our hopes and dreams for our families, jobs, vacations and think we have it all figured out. We say those "I'll never...." statements and are adamant that we know what we will and will not do with our lives.... and then life happens. I could compare it to the Olympics. Michael Phelps for example, if he were to show up at the starting block for a medal winning race and instead of diving in and swimming hard as he has trained to do, he jumps in and does a canon ball, makes a huge splash and then attempts to catch up with the pack after he's made waves and caused a scene in the pool.  The reaction from the crowd would probably be confusion, a little laughter from some, others would be outraged (I mean he's trained his whole life for this, what is he doing?!), and others would just gawk and stare because they can't believe what they just saw, then you'd have those few that continue to cheer for him because he's Michael Phelps if there's anyone that can do a canon ball and still win the race then it's him, right?!


  Well, that's kind of like my life right now. Everything has changed. Divorce sucks, it's ugly, hurtful and a mess and it changes you. It doesn't matter how peaceful anyone tries to be. It's a mess. It always will be. It effects everyone around you - your kids, friends, family, etc.  It puts a strain on relationships with everyone in your life even when you try for it not to. It's as if I have "done a canon ball in the pool at an Olympic race" and just shook the world around me.  When the news got out about our divorce some people were outraged, some just gawked and stared, a few saw it coming and then I've had those that have just continued to cheer - not that they are advocates for divorce but that they know that life happens and they can see the hope in the future. 


  I've seen on facebook some people who post their divorce selfies with their former spouse and a copy of their divorce, kind of like a newly married couple will do with their marriage license but instead it's with their judgment for divorce. Smiling? Happy? Thumbs up? When I see things like that I think "yeah right, that's not possible". As we started this process I thought "we can do this peaceful and with as little damage to the kids and still maintain a good healthy co-parenting relationship" and that is still my goal but it's not easy. I've learned a lot in the last year. I'm surrounded by an amazing group of friends that have supported me in so many ways and I couldn't have made it through this without them and Jesus of course. They have seen me cry, talked to me for hours, been angry with me, sad with me, mad with me, mad for me, when I couldn't fight for myself they fought for me and they have made me laugh, oh how they have made me laugh! I wouldn't trade any of them for anything in this world! They are my tribe and my people! I love them more than I know how to tell them!


   As of August 11th our divorce was final. We haven't lived in the same house since February but it took 6 insane months for it to be final. I remember letting my friends know that it was done and they all asked me "are you ok?" my answer was yes - there have been lots of emotions in this process and they have seen me at my worst but on that day for whatever reason it was a relief for it to be done. I won't give all the crazy details because honestly I don't want my kids to have ill feelings towards either of their parents and one day they may read this. I know that they still may hear through others stories of what happened as they get older. Some stories will be true and others will be completely made up and they will have questions and I pray I will have graceful answers. Answers that don't tear down who their daddy is to them. Answers that support their relationship with their dad and can somehow show them that this was just another part of life. I hope somehow I will be able to show them love and grace in the midst of the madness of divorce. I want my boys to know that their parents love and support them and even though life didn't work out how we had planned that it's not their fault and that we did everything we could to be good parents. In the end it's all about Jesus anyway. Just because we divorced doesn't mean that I am not suppose to show grace as Jesus would (not that it's easy, but that is my goal).


   Well, let me switch gears for a min and brag on my sweet boys! School has started and they are doing great! They are both riding the bus to school (this was a challenge for me because I have always taken them to school, but after a lot of thought, research, prayer and meetings with teachers and drivers - they are riding the bus to school! and they absolutely love it!). Ty is always excited when he sees the bus coming, he starts giggling and pointing and hugging me as if I have taken him to Disney world lol. The first day he got on the bus he ran up those stairs and never looked back. He and Tripp ride different buses because Ty's bus has fewer seats, seat belts if needed to keep him in his seat and a bus monitor to help him while he's riding. Tripp has done amazing on the bus as well, he comes home telling me all about his friends on the bus and how many stops they make, etc. I think it has given them both some independence and they are loving it.


  We have changed Ty's meds again and now he is on less meds at night! He's been doing really well lately and it is so amazing to watch him grow. We are still attempting potty training, he wears pull-ups and will point to his pull-up if he needs to go to the bathroom sometimes. He likes to just point to his pull-up to get my attention and make me stop what I'm doing so we can go in the bathroom sit on the potty and then immediately stand up without even attempting to use the bathroom. So we have been working on that. He's been doing really well at school. His teacher told me about him sitting in the hall waiting for the bell to ring before they went into the class room and his friend (a girl) was sitting next to him and when the bell rang he jumped up and then leaned down to gently help her up. He also gave this same friend his pencils (if you know Ty, that's a big deal because he likes to carry things with him and it's usually two of something well on that day it was pencils and he's bad about teasing people and acting like he will give you his toy or pencils but then taking them right back) well on this day for whatever reason he gave her his pencils and let her keep them! If you ask him about her he just grins from ear to ear it's really sweet to see him interact with his classmates and form those bonds with his peers.


  We started Ty buddy's at church last Sunday and it went really well! Ty had a helper that took him to Sunday school and then into big church during the singing, sat with him during the children's story and then took him to children's church! It was so amazing to see him interacting and doing all the "normal" things on Sunday and I can't thank my church enough for being such a big part of his life! I have had a lot of people comment on how well Ty has been doing lately and especially at church. He's been listening better and interacting more and it really just warms my heart to see others see that in him! I am excited to see what the Lord has in store for us this year!


Well thanks for reading I know it was a bunch and kind of scattered! love yall and thank you for all the love and support throughout this year and this whole process of our new normal.

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

Why?

I know I write a lot of posts about wanting Ty to be able to talk. I pray every day for God to give him the words he needs to communicate in this world. To give him the ability to speak and not have to face this frustration and aggravation of people not understanding what he wants or needs. I pray for Him to give him a spirit of peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness and self-control (those are things we are promised? right?). There are days that I see the positive side and I see how lucky I am that he is here and he is healthy and for the most part a happy boy who navigates and figures out how to communicate with those around him without saying a word and I am amazed at his ability to use what he's been given and teach those of us around him what he needs or wants. But there are bad days, there are days when I cry uncontrollably because I can't fix it. I don't always know exactly what's going on. I've gotten really good at guessing and reading him. For the most part I can tell if he's trying me or if there's really something wrong. But to be completely honest sometimes I just don't know. I don't know if he's crying because he's not getting his way or if he's upset or hurting and just can't tell me. I don't know if he's mad because I told him he couldn't do something or if he's mad because he was trying to tell me something else and I didn't understand. There's a lot of I don't knows when your child is considered and "labeled" nonverbal. If I'm honest there's a lot of days I just hate that word "nonverbal" because he's not completely, he speaks some words, he yells, he communicates. He just doesn't do it like everyone else. He has his own language that we are desperately trying to figure out. I understand by textbook definition it's just a "diagnosis" but it doesn't mean I have to like it. There are days I get mad at God. I tell him how I know He can fix this. I know He can settle Ty's anxieties and frustrations and help him have self-control instead of impulsive behavior. I know He is able to do all things. He tells us this. So I ask him, often times out of anger, why won't you let him speak when you are the one that can give him words. You can make the deaf hear, you can make the lame walk, you can heal the sick and raise the dead! I know you can allow him to speak and communicate in a way that we would all understand. In a way that he wouldn't be upset or frustrated because no one understands. So why not?! I get mad and upset and cry and then get frustrated and wonder who am I to ask and demand these things from God? Right ?


A new school year is starting. Luckily the boys and I live in the school district for North Pike this year so no fight there. But as Ty enters 3rd grade and Tripp enters 2nd grade I just wonder. I see kids Ty's age and I wonder and am a bit envious of what they have. I don't mean to be. I wonder a lot. What would Ty and Tripp's relationship look like? How would they be different? Would Tripp look to him more and talk to him about life the way he does with his other friends and cousins that can talk? How would they be different?  What will this school year entail? How will Ty progress? I know that he will progress, he's smart, loving, happy and healthy. But what about the days he struggles to let others know what's going on inside? When will we be able to understand and know? I don't have the answers. I have faith that he will speak. I have faith that he will always grow and learn. I have faith that we are slowly making our way towards potty training and normal daily self help activities and doing those independently. Feeding himself, getting dressed, brushing his teeth, bathing, etc. I have faith that one day he will be an independent thriving young man. Guess I'm saying, yes I know we are lucky, he's amazing, Tripp is an amazing little brother, he's growing, he's healthy, he's here. Doesn't mean that I don't yearn for the day to hear him speak.